10 Things to Do While Your Kids are at the 'X's

When parents are divorced they usually end up having some sort of scheduled visitation arrangement; where each parent has the kids during designated times.

If you are used to your kids being around a lot, like I am, you may tend to find yourself at a loss for things to do when the kids go to the 'X's.

I remember the times just before they left when I'd think: 'Yikes! What do I do while the kids are gone?'
And for about two years they would be gone for six weeks at a time. It was pure h-e-double-hockeysticks.

I've been divorced for several years now and I am just finally dealing with it better. I look forward to the little breaks. (Of course they are usually only one week at a time except for in the summer where it's six).

If you have a hard time filling your days when the kids are having time with your 'X', and you just aren't sure what to do without your children around, just relax and enjoy the You-time. (This is  a great time for self-discovery!)

Try some of these:

• Go to a movie ( my favorite thing to do on holidays alone is to go see a movie) and you can do it without the kids so you can essentially see any movie you want.

• Clean their room haha! You laugh, but it’s the best time to chuck stuff in the trash!

• Go to the beach

• Go for walks

• Nap (another ha ha-since with kids around a nap is practically impossible!)

• Go biking

• Travel

• Go out with friends

• Take up a hobby (revisit your old hobbies you may have pushed aside due to parenting responsibilities, dust off golf clubs, get back to scrap booking)

•  Write that novel!-Or read one! (or pursue whatever dream that you want!)

• Go shopping even if it's just for groceries (No one will be asking for anything-or sneaking things into your shopping cart!)

There are probably thousands of things you could do other than what is on this... these are just a few.
Why not get a notebook and fill it with a bucket-list of sorts. This way, when the kids are gone, and the house is quiet, you can pick up that notebook and easily choose something that interests you. never having to worry about being bored or lonely.

It worked for me!

Truly,

Amber

Something to think about...

No matter how far we've come, what you'll continue to discover is that there's always a next level of transformations, healing, and improvement. Perhaps continuing to move forward on that path is what life is all about. - Bill Phillips

Share the Love...

If you are divorced and have children....maybe your divorce was many years ago, or your divorce was when your children were little and now they are old enough to ask questions, or worse, they probably forgot how things ‘were’ or how you and your ‘X’ looked back when you were together.

Go ahead and share some stories of your marriage with your kids.

WHY? You ask…?

Because… that is where your child started from.

And as much as some divorcee’s hate to admit it, mom and dad used to be in love once.

Don’t shield them from these past events and memories.

Share funny stories, campouts or fishing trips.

Show photos of old pets, birthdays and holidays.

Kids of divorce love seeing baby pictures and remembering childhood in a good light.

Because for them right now, all they are used to hearing is the bad stuff and why their mom doesn’t like their dad and why their dad is urked by their mom.

They want to know their father/mother in a positive light, likewise they want to know them when they were once together. Even though mom and dad will not be ‘getting back together’ they still want to know or remember how it once was.

Otherwise, they be left wondering, ‘why’d my parents have me in the first place, if they don’t like each other?’ Sometimes feeling rejected and lost.

For their sake, share the good times, the fun and the old love from the past, in which they ultimately were created from.

Give them an understanding more about where they came from (a couple in love who enjoyed x amount of years as husband and wife), rather than where they are now (in the middle of a divorce).

And try doing it with a smile.

'I did it this past week and my kids ooohed and aaahhhhed at the dog we had when he was a puppy and took several second glances at their father and mother, since she had 80's hair and he doesn't look much like he used too-but of course back then we were just 22.' It was fun to share it. They seemed to feel more connected but it didn't harm them at all, since they went right back to doing what it was that they were doing).

Truly,

Amber

The Stakes are Higher for Divorced Parents

 Often we’ve heard of parents who consistently pull their kids in opposite directions after their divorce. 

Sometimes even forcing a child to do what they want them to do, not because it’s what’s best for the child, but because they think it’s the opposite of what the ‘X’ wants.

Many times, and at certain ages, kids are able to make their own choices; like whether or not they want to dress a certain way, join a particular sport, what career they'd like to pursue, which religion they prefer and/or political preference they are taking on.

It’s unfair that just because two parent’s divorce, the child is now be forced to take sides or choose according to one parent’s view points.

This is despicable not to mention painful and confusing for the child. 

A child of divorce is still an individual. 

They’re the same person they were before the divorce and their opinions and preferences were- and still are- their own. 

Now, after divorce a child can be thrust into the middle of a tug of war and sometimes is made to see life through two different sets of eyes, and neither of them is his own. 

If divorced parents want to play ‘teams’  they are going to be successful at only one thing…

Failing their children.

After a divorce a child is dying to find normalcy; striving to reach neutral ground. And rightfully so.

They were part of a bad marriage and now they are part of an ugly divorce.

An angry and resentful parent’s goal is to Win the game by earning a valuable team player (the new team player being the child).

This game is a dangerous one because if the child does not catch on to the parent’s motives right away, they eventually will. 

Then, all respect is lost for that parent. 

Kids don’t want to be on anyone else’s team. They want to be on their own. 

Children are the innocent ones in divorce, but most often become stuck in the middle of their parents’ ugly battles. They don’t want to be part of the chaos. 

Kids are the innocent ones and often are the most harmed when parents want to play tug of war with emotions of anger and resentment running high.

They just want to enjoy life, divorce and all. They simply want quality time with their parents and to be loved for who they are.

If you are divorced with children, or know someone who is, please stick up for the child by helping the parents face the reality that their children are going to become who they want to be. Regardless of how hard the parent's play the game... kids are not interested in picking side- they are interested in just living life.

(And if attorneys fees seem expensive, a child’s respect will be a much higher price to pay.)

Truly,

Amber

A Funny Video Someone Shared with Me During My Divorce

Divorce is no laughing matter but today is Fun Friday and sometimes we just need to take a break and breath (and smile).

I have decided to share a video that a friend sent to me while we were both going through our divorces.

 

Divorce does a job on someone's emotions.

Watch this video on the 5 stages this giraffe goes through; they are quite parallel to 

the stages some of us journey through during a divorce.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Usm9SpnHYJQ

Truly,

Amber

Do Not Get a Divorce...

because of me.

Sometimes I feel like the poster girl for divorce amongst some of my friends.

Not many of them are divorced and I always seem to find one or two who look up to me because I had the courage to do it.

Truth? 

It makes me feel guilty. (That is why I am adding a disclaimer to my blog.)

I don’t want to be the one who inspires people to want to divorce and I'm especially careful when someone consults me; I never suggest divorce.

I just do what I always do- listen and ask questions and hopefully the person comes to their own conclusions.

‘But, Amber, you are happy…’ they say.

Yes, I am. But my situation was my own. I could never relate my broken marriage to someone else’s, nor could I suggest divorce to someone.

Divorce is an individual decision.

In my case I was a woman who’d had enough...

Enough guessing whether or not my husband loved me. Enough of being degraded; ever so slightly. I had had enough of the control that came in the form of a man who was ‘just trying to look out for me’. 

I’d finally had enough of pulling my weight, trying to work on my marriage and be the perfect wife, and feeling like anything but.

I was tired of being made to think I wrong for trying to be myself and I was quite done trying so hard to be someone else in order to feel loved and accepted.

I am just one person. One person who asked for a divorce.

My situation and my decision aren’t the rule. All relationships are different. And I actually hope and pray that most couples stay together. (Some should've never gotten married. A blog post for another day.)

And when I tell people this they always say, ‘Yah, buy you did it!’

I did do it.

And it was one of the hardest things I’d ever done in my entire life; and I pay for it dearly for it with missed holidays with my children, arguments with my X and thousands of dollars in attorney’s fees.

I am also rewarded for it…

Because now I get to be myself and I can teach my children what a healthy relationship is all about.

Divorce has its pros and cons. It’s about what matters to you not me.

 

Truly,

Amber

Welcome to Fun Friday

On my two other blogs I've declared Fun Fridays!!!
It's a day to just 'be'....
A day to break away from thinking, and concentrating, on serious stuff.
A time to find the humor...if at all possible.

Enjoy-

Truly,

Amber

This is our first Fun Friday on Divorce Dazed 

I chose a few quotes that might crack a smile....

'Getting divorced just because you don't love (someone) is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.' - Zsa Zsa Gabor

                                     

“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.”  Helen Rowland quotes (English-American writer, 1876-1950)

"Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck.  If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left."Jean Kerr

''Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers". – Gerard Lieberman

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.  Elayne Boosler