Murder vs. Divorce

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." - posted online by John1960

Reading this might be funny, but murder no joke. Unhappy marriages should never come to this...though every year there's folks who feel this is their only way out.


We thought our marriage was bad...

With constant frustration, chronic unhappiness, complete and utter miscommunication and misunderstanding all the time, stress, anger and sometimes deceit...

We end up contemplating divorce...

And we think: 'that could be far worse.'...

With it's costly attorney's fees, unpleasant exchanges with the 'X', dissatisfied societal views, crushed dreams, possible custody problems and the loss of half of our property and savings...

At this point....there are a select few who decide they cannot stand to be married, or divorced, so they some how convince themselves murder will become their salvation.

I agree that life is certainly too short to live unhappily, and with someone you can't stand. True also that divorce can become a difficult option....

But, living life -period- is worth living.

I never thought about killing my 'X'.

Being separated was enough for me.

So, we took the long road and divorced. It took a year and it wasn't fun, nor was it pretty...but...

Just being able to remove he and myself from the misery of being married, having the ability to move away from each other and move on would give us the freedom both emotionally and physically that we needed.

Let's for a moment contemplate something else ...

Life in prison, the electric chair, and/or our family going through life with the agony we put them through after having been convicted of murder....(and in our case there would be some children left without parents).

So, what makes some people believe murder is better (or smarter) than divorce is beyond me...

We know the spouse is always a suspect....and therefore we'll be caught...(remember Scott Peterson?)

My thoughts:
This is your life...and if being married is painful, and divorce seems even more painful, 
think about the alternatives, or maybe more so, think about the consequences to the alternative.

Read some statistics on spousal homicide.
Read some true spousal homicide stories.
A list of more true crime stories.
Wagner/Wood, Spousal Homicide or An Accident?

Poster Child for Divorce

 A story for you:

The week my divorce was final...Which was a year to the day I made the 'D'ecision.

'One summer day a stay-at-home-mom of three (all under the age of eight), and who home schooled her two oldest, decided to divorce her husband. They had a newly built home, no money in the bank and debt up to their eyeballs. She had a hefty car payment, employment skills which hadn't been updated in years because she'd been nursing pregnancies and raising little ones, while working from home. With no family to speak of locally who could help her, it appeared from the outside (and from her then-husband's point of view), that she didn't have a leg to stand on, a pot to @#%& in, or a place to go.'

'It's true, she didn't. But she still asked for a divorce.....'

That's the beginning of my divorce story.

I'd like to say I knew what I was doing back then...but I didn't. Even today, I have to really think hard to remember the initial leap and what I was expecting to happen. After a few minutes, I do find it... the reason I called it quits, and what my expectations were.

The Reason: Desperate for self-preservation and to escape the emotional abuse and camouflaged control.

My Expectations: Freedom, good health, independence and happiness.

I didn't have enough sense to think about what was next...I just did what I had to do...

It amazed me...with the amount of mental, physical and financial hell it cost me, I still seemed to somehow become the poster child for divorce amongst people I knew.

I never understood that.

They would say it was because I was brave enough to do it, and that I seemed okay after all of it.

I wasn't comfortable with the admiration...I hadn't felt brave. And actually, I felt rather stupid.

It probably wasn't the wisest idea; going into a divorce without a plan, because some days all I could do was cry, some days I just prayed. Sometimes I cursed, sometimes I messed up, and many days I thought about giving up. But I kept on pushing forward....and finally somehow made some headway in rebuilding myself and my life.

In my eyes, divorcing my husband had absolute nothing to do with courage. It had everything to do with survival.

'Okay, yes, I'm divorced and now I'm happy'. And 'Yes, it worked out for me in the end' .' 'But, no, I didn't want to have to take that step and it was painful as hell... and you shouldn't have to go through it either...if you can help it.'

When people come to me about being miserable in their own marriages I try to guide them back in the other direction. They don't always listen to me, and I guess sometimes they shouldn't...

So, now when someone asks, 'Should I get a divorce?',  My new advice to them is this:
You'll know when it's over. Just like I did. And like me, you probably won't have any idea what to do, but you will 'just do it'. You'll think about it, you'll try your hardest to talk yourself out of it, you will do what's right and try to make things work and when nothing works and you are exhausted and still miserable...(which is what happened to me after ten years of marriage), one day you will say...'that's it...we are getting divorced' and nothing will change your mind.

I know that just like when you will know somethings right, you will also know when it's not.

If this happens to you, it's okay, I'm here, and I understand. I will help guide you..(hence why I blog Divorce Dazed.

But, before then, seek everything in your power to preserve what is left in your marriage...

You don't want to live with regret.

You may not have time to plan. You may not have the sense to organize or strategize...I didn't...

Looking back, it does seem kind of crazy, and so yes, I recommend having a plan...it could make things much easier...

I suppose I it turned out alright, I certainly do not regret it, and since then I've actually decided to get re-married....

Which is now making me the poster child for 'Hope'.....

I guess that's a good thing....

The Big 'D' = The Big 'O'

Everyone knows the story about the boy who cried wolf…

It was the old fable that taught us not to say things we don’t mean, or that are not true; to get something we want.

Using the ‘D’ word in a marriage can be similar to this fable.

If a spouse mentions divorce, they should understood that ‘D’ = ‘O’.

Divorce means the marriage is OVER. ‘Irreconcilable differences beyond repair.’

That’s right…If you decide to even utter the ‘D’ word to your spouse, you better be ready for the marriage to be over.

Because once spoken, your spouse now has the option. 

They do not have to stay, they can leave.

So, if you are looking to fix your marriage, do not threaten your spouse with the ‘D’ word.

This is not a successful form of reconciliation. And is nothing but an empty threat, where you hope to see significant changes.

It is useless and is far from any type of problem solving.

When I told my husband I wanted a divorce I was more than ready to call it quits.

And that was a good thing, because he certainly wasn’t fighting to stay married to me. 

I gave him the option. He took it.

I was not regretful. And I’d imagine he wasn’t either.

But a very important thing that I needed to do was prepare myself mentally.

I had to be sure I was ready.

I was. I knew that I had done my duty as a wife. I had given my marriage the amount of time and energy out of my life that I felt it deserved.

I had overturned every stone possible.

And when I pulled the punches and called ‘D’… it was not a threat, it was the end.

There were no ultimatums, no more chances. 

Divorce is the END of marriage. Not the middle or the ‘maybe he will change’, or the ‘maybe she will come around’ –

'D' is the Big ‘O’.

It’s OVER.

So the next time you think that you want a divorce, really really think about that.

A question that one of my good friends asked me during my struggle to decide was:

Can you imagine your spouse with someone else? 

Then ask:

Can you deal with not living with him/her for another day?

Can you imagine your future without him/her?

If you can say yes to all three, than you might be ready for the Big ‘O’ and you can use the Big ‘D’.

Otherwise, stop crying wolf.

Truly,

Amber