Time Heals You Both (and Changes Who You Are)

There's an old saying:
 'time heals all wounds'...

 and it's true.

But, there's something else it does...

It changes people.

Divorce can leave a person feeling lost and not know who they are...

There's a delicate balance between finding you and creating the new you.

Here are Five Ways to Become Genuine, New Person After Divorce:

Do things you used to love

Try new things

Revisit old friends

Reconnect with family

Stay close to those you trust

Read books that support personal growth

Take a vacation (alone)

Start a journal

Forgive yourself

Celebrate life
Accept the past, look to the future

'Time cures sorrows and squabbles, because we all change and are no longer the same person.

Neither the offender nor the offended is the same.'

~ Blaise Pascal

How About A Little More Faith For Your Healing? (Video)

I know from experience, it's impossible to heal on our own power, alone.

This blog post, written by a fellow blogger, says it so much better:

Connie's blog: Stumbling Blocks: 

'Once we make the decision to allow God to heal, 

He begins to show you the reasons you are hurting.  

Just because He showed me the thing that...'

Did You Know the Postman's Divorced?

I bet you didn't.

Unless you got onto that topic of conversation, of course.

Well, I did, and was surprised when he told me.

But should I have been?

Because supposedly, one in every two marriages ends in divorce, and according to a study I read on divorce by country, 4.95 people per thousand are divorced in America.

I completely believe divorce is just one of those things that's going to be around for as long as mistakes are....not that I like it...because I don't...but I grew up with it, did it, and well...

This is my thought:

Considering errors have been in existence for (oh, let's say) forever...I'm afraid that divorce isn't going anywhere. (Unless our government decides to take that freedom away from us too.)

Truths:


We are human,
 imperfect,
broken,
  and at the mercy of a powerful driving force which is not always looking our for us; our brain.

The Craziness:
Love...and our powerhouse of a mind...
Yes, that's right, our deep desires, our incredible love for acceptance and affection... our own ability to justify, accept, and deny problems...all actions which can lead to mistakes. Sometimes, mistakes in love.

We don't do it because we want divorce...on the contrary, we do it because we have hope...


Another part of human nature...

It Can Be Good When Everything Changes (Video)

Sometimes it seems impossible to appreciate lost love...

 But I learned a long time ago from a good friend,
that we need to appreciate all things 

which happen to us;

 even the bad ones.

Check out this song

and 
'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

~ Dr. Seuss

Today make a list of ten good things that came out of your Divorce.

Come on...I know you can do it.

If I can, you can:

My 10 Good Things:

1. My 3 amazing children

2. My new life and career

3. My stronger sense of self

4. Our many years of fun and freedom when young love was simple and easy

5. The fact that my 'X' taught me to order something different off the menu every time I eat out

6. 2 years of being a stay at home Mom (probably the most priceless experience besides giving birth)

7. My amazing 2nd husband

8. My renewed trust in God

9. Increased inner strength, self confidence and self respect

10. The ability to help better educate my children on 'life'

Someone else once said to me that 'Nothing is a loss'...

Should Divorce Change the Way You Parent?

I never really liked the assumptions that I used to get in the beginning of my divorce. I especially disliked the comments I received, and sometimes still do:

"Well, I know you can understand, because you're divorced, and obviously as a single mom, you parent your children differently now." (People were referring to spoiling my children after divorce.)

After hearing that a few times, without much reply (because I was busy denying it), I actually had to wonder: "Do I really parent my kids differently after their dad and I separated? Do I spoil them?"

I've always been an involved, loving, compassionate, firm, no-nonsense, communicative mother.

 ~That's who I was before the divorce, and I'd like to think that's how I am now.

"I parent the same"...I still want what's best for them, I still explain to them the facts of life, the troubles ahead and the importance of decisions. I still spend quality time with them, laugh, play and bake chocolate chip cookies. So what gives!?

I guide and love them the same, as if I were still married to their dad.....

The logistics have changed, that's all.

Except, after I thought about it more, I had to admit, I might parent a little differently since the split almost seven years ago....

I MIGHT avoid sugar coating things even more now...

I MIGHT reveal more of myself than I did before...

And, I MIGHT take their errors to a whole new level of importance...

Because, I feel I need to drive home the fact that some mistakes are bigger than others...but all in all, I'm still me....AND, I still DON'T let them get away with murder, have everything they want or treat me with disrepect.

Do not feel shame or remorse because of your divorce, and never feel that you need to 'make it up to them'.  Kids can become dependent on that and feed off of it; using it to their advantage. Children are resilient, and with enough love and faith in their lives, they will be okay. You need, now, more than ever, to keep things on an even keel and assure them that you are still you, and they are still them. 

Use Divorce as a great time to get real with your kids. When parent's are not perfect, it create's an opportunity to explain how and why you messed up, what you learned and what you might have done differently. If you do this, there's a good chance you can help them break the cycle.

Tips on How to Parent Your Child After Divorce:

A simple site, but 'E-How.com' states this important rule in their #1 spot.

Do not feel guilty.

Continue being yourself as a single parent.

A Mother's Letter to her 'X's Second Wife...

Wow.

I am speechless...(that doesn't happen very often).

In doing some weekend reading on divorce, 

I revisited a site I feel covers important topics.

This letter absolutely left me speechless...

It says it precisely...
I had absolutely nothing to add...

Except:

~Signed,
That Woman

What it Takes to Be Friends with Your 'X'

Here's how celebrities do it.

Not all divorcee's need to be friends.

If they already split the stuff, paid the bills and divided up the pets, they can essentially just move on, and possibly never speak to one another again.

For divorced parents, it is not that simple.

My parents were never friends....though I wish they had been.

The divorce itself was already stressful enough, drop-off's were even worse, and I hated it.

My current husband was very lucky, his father and mother were very mature. They were kind to one another and put themselves, and their troubles, aside for the children.

That's how it should be done. 
No one's better, no one's the winner or loser;
just two parents loving their children.

If parents can think and act this way, kids get the best of both parents and they feel they can talk to, and trust both of them, and won't fear getting caught in the middle.

In Successful Co-Parenting parents must remember, it's about communication, flexibility, cooperation and love....

It is the children's best interest which should always be at the forefront of the matter, moment and mood....hence why the court papers state this.

Let's not forget:

It took two to fall in love,

It took two to get married,

It took two to create the child.

It took two to reduce the marriage,

It took two to divorce,

And, it will take two to be friends....
and work together for the betterment of the child.

Ways to help divorced parents work together:

Make a Co-Parenting Resolution

10 Steps to Co-Parenting

Keep these tips in mind

~

If your 'X' is uncooperative, manipulative, 

unfair, unwilling to work together, unable to communicate,

or is unkind, you can only assume that they have not yet reached that point of peace with the divorce as you have. 

You will not be able to be friends with this person until they mature, forgive and find peace. And it's possible that it may never happen.

But, you can take these steps for your children's peace and well-being:

Working with the uncooperative 'X'

Take a deep breath and read this advice

Or maybe you need to seek some advice from the experienced:

Resource for reading:

 Co-Parenting with a Jerk

How do you successfully Co-Parent?

Fun Friday: Trash It!

NO! Not your 'X's car! 

That's just a waste of your time, and your 'X' will know it was you anyway.

Trash something you both shared.

Why in the world do I suggest this, and then act like it's a good thing? 

Because, I just trashed something else that was ours back when my 'X' and I were married and it felt fabulous!

Believe it or not, after almost seven years of being separated, I just finally threw away my cordless phone.

Why didn't I throw it away sooner? I'm not sure, I guess I didn't realize I still had it!

That makes me laugh out loud! 

What's even more funny, is that the old numbers of locals (back then it was another state!) were still saved in memory!

Want to have a Fun Friday?

 Share with me what you threw out of your's when you were married

 and 

felt good while doing! 

(No stories about Wedding Dresses or Rings please-those make me sad.)

How to Deal...During Divorce

Sometimes, when things are upside down, it's just better to admit they are,

than try to pretend they're not...

Check out this blog post to see:

How to Deal When Your Life is in Shambles

#4 is crucial....

The Best Divorce is....Not What You Expect

“The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce”

-Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

Don't Let Your 'X' Steal This From You

Going through a divorce can leave you feeling robbed.
Whether it's stuff in the house, money in the bank, or time with the kids which was split in half or worse, split unevenly....it can leave us thinking we got the crappy end of the stick.

The deal is, we get attorney's to divide those things fairly, but it doesn't always turn out that way.

It is what it is sometimes and we cannot control it.

Though there is something in which we do have control over....and that is our Faith.

Faith is a strong power, and if you don't have it, life can be bleak; getting through tough times can seem impossible...and our attitude: hopeless.

At one point, I lost faith. I had no hope, no positive outlook and I right before one of the best outcomes of my life, I was ready to give up everything I ever wanted and deserved.

I allowed my 'X' to rob me of my freedom of life.
I let him steal my joy....
I gave up control of my heart, my drive and my belief.

Don't let this happen to you.

Faith is what makes us go on. Faith is what makes us get back up when we are pushed down.
Faith is what keeps us glued together and wake up tomorrow with new focus and hope.

During our divorce, just like during our marriage, my 'X' didn't steal anything.....

If I wanted Faith, I should have stepped up, and stood up, for it...

I stand here as a testament today; if you don't have Faith, it's not because someone (namely your 'X') stole it from you, it's because you let it go.

Be strong, have hope, and believe in a better omorrow.... for soon you will be a stronger you....

Nothing can stand in your way....only if you let it....

During or After Divorce, How Do You Keep Your Faith?

Calvin and Hobbes on Divorce

A Teen Novel, Inspired by Divorce?

My teen came to me this week and shared a book she was reading.

Lauren Olivedr's, Delirium.

Yep, sounds like love...

As she told me the premise of the book, I was shocked.

It's about how everyone has to get a 'shot' before they fall in love; to prevent them from doing so!

And before this one girl can get the shot, (yep-you romantic-hopeful's guessed it), she falls...

Well, the story has twists and turns...and the ending nearly crushed my daughter!

(Apparently it's a good book.) It reminded me of when I was getting divorced, I thought that love and marriage were an epidemic to stay away from....

Read the book, to see how it ends....

Don't Take it From Me...

This guys tells it like it is about divorce.

One I Couldn't Resist!

Forgiveness is For YOU

" Forgiveness is the way to true health and happiness."  - Gerald Jampolsky

Divorced, But Still Hanging On

The other day I came across this article about a man who's apparently dragging out a lawsuit with a wedding photographer, who supposedly botched the guys wedding photos.

I believe in treating customers with respect and delivering the service you've promised, and if this is not done right, I also believe in certain measures to ensure the customer is reimbursed...but what I don't believe is spending time and stress on what's not important and/or asking for unreasonable compensation.

Missed moments in a wedding can never be regained. The time has passed. The photographers were there for just about the entire wedding, got the most important moments, and from what I can see, the photos didn't come out too shabby.

So, should he just let it go? Maybe, because like the groom's special day, which is long gone (they were married in 2003), likewise, the bride is also gone.

True! They divorced in  2010. This is clearly a very sad case of a husband hanging on too tightly to the past. And, no matter how hard he tries to force the photographer to re-stage the photo shoot and his 'X'-Bride to stand there in her gown. According to Stacy Zaretsky's blog post on AbovetheLaw.com: 'according to (photographers) H & H’s founder, Curt Fried, apparently doesn’t even know where his ex-wife lives ...')

While this man's wedding day might have been the happiest moments in his life, there is nothing he can do to get it back. Honestly, after divorce, there is usually not much that can be done to reconcile.

If you are holding on too tightly to your wedding day feelings...let them go.
The wedding was never the marriage anyways...it was just THE day in the past that you said your vows and partied with friends on. Seriously, it had very little to do with the success or demise of your marriage.

Nothing will get those wedding-day-feelings (or those happy-parts-of-the-marriage) back.

The divorce is real.  It happened.

Tuck the wedding photos away in a drawer for after the wounds have healed...don't try to relive it...just remember it...

How to Bring in The New Year After Divorce

Make this New Year 'Your Year'!

No doubt, divorce changes things and can bring about some major disappointments.

I will never forget how long it took me after my divorce to get over my crushed dreams.

Gone were my ideals of being married to my husband for 50-60 years, flushed was the image of adding an addition onto our home, and gone was my desire to live in one place for the rest of my life...

This was just a start...

Married couples, happy or not, make so many plans together. And aside from those ones which are said out loud, your heart and mind make a few silent ones as well...

(I suppose it could be called looking to the future as things are today and making an assumption it will continue tomorrow.)

My biggest assumption was the idea I would be raising my children in the one home we ever had, the one which we built. I just figured I'd watch them grow up there.

'Well, why wouldn't I?'

My 'X' and his best friend spent days wiring the recessed lighting (including the final afternoon when he was late getting to our daughter's first birthday party because they were trying so hard to complete the job).

Many evening hours were spent in our new home, with our little ones falling asleep in their playpen, as we painted our soon to be living room, bedroom, kitchen, baths and bedrooms).

There were weeks of going to the property and picking up trash and making dump runs...

Then, making that grueling move into our home in a blizzard, on Thanksgiving...

After all of that, I guess I did just assume that our grandchildren would eventually pick strawberries and vegies from our backyard garden, like my own children began doing.

'And Who Wouldn't?'

But, all of that changed for sure.

And it took me two years after my divorce, to  finally realized that it didn't matter where we lived, and I finally let go of the dream when I moved out of our home and relocated to an apartment 600 miles away.

'All that was important then was that we were healing and that my children and I had time together.'

But, that wasn't it.... there was a catch... I couldn't do it by just moving away, I had to actually let go of the ties that held me to the past, by building new dreams.

Dreams and goals ought to be a part of everyone's life; young, old, married, single or divorced.

Without them, our lives are lived in a perpetual groundhog day, so to speak. (If you've ever seen the movie, you know that the main character (Bill Murray) wakes up each day doing the same thing-literally.)
As we get into that dreary routine of life, with no hope for the future, life becomes boring and even depressing.

After divorce, nothing will really go back to the way it was, and most of us realize that, after a while, we wouldn't want it to anyhow.

Our home wasn't large... but it wasn't small either. It seemed just perfect for a small family of five. But honestly, I was never really in love with some of it's features, or at one point, it's location. Building a home was difficult...you had to assume you knew what the future would hold....and we all know that's impossible.

'Change is inevitable.'

It's been six years since my 'X' and I split, and I've spent a good majority of those years building one small dream after another, and I'm happy to say that I look forward to another New year so that I can build more.

Hanging on to the past will always be the anchor which holds us back from creating a new future.

So, this New Year's, allow yourself to let go of the 'Old Dreams' and 'Build New Ones'!

Make the first goal a personal one....

What will you do to 'rebuild you'?

You can’t drive forward on the road of life

if you’re looking in the rear view mirror.- author unknown

Read a story about focusing on the past 

Murder vs. Divorce

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." - posted online by John1960

Reading this might be funny, but murder no joke. Unhappy marriages should never come to this...though every year there's folks who feel this is their only way out.


We thought our marriage was bad...

With constant frustration, chronic unhappiness, complete and utter miscommunication and misunderstanding all the time, stress, anger and sometimes deceit...

We end up contemplating divorce...

And we think: 'that could be far worse.'...

With it's costly attorney's fees, unpleasant exchanges with the 'X', dissatisfied societal views, crushed dreams, possible custody problems and the loss of half of our property and savings...

At this point....there are a select few who decide they cannot stand to be married, or divorced, so they some how convince themselves murder will become their salvation.

I agree that life is certainly too short to live unhappily, and with someone you can't stand. True also that divorce can become a difficult option....

But, living life -period- is worth living.

I never thought about killing my 'X'.

Being separated was enough for me.

So, we took the long road and divorced. It took a year and it wasn't fun, nor was it pretty...but...

Just being able to remove he and myself from the misery of being married, having the ability to move away from each other and move on would give us the freedom both emotionally and physically that we needed.

Let's for a moment contemplate something else ...

Life in prison, the electric chair, and/or our family going through life with the agony we put them through after having been convicted of murder....(and in our case there would be some children left without parents).

So, what makes some people believe murder is better (or smarter) than divorce is beyond me...

We know the spouse is always a suspect....and therefore we'll be caught...(remember Scott Peterson?)

My thoughts:
This is your life...and if being married is painful, and divorce seems even more painful, 
think about the alternatives, or maybe more so, think about the consequences to the alternative.

Read some statistics on spousal homicide.
Read some true spousal homicide stories.
A list of more true crime stories.
Wagner/Wood, Spousal Homicide or An Accident?

Wow! Unbelievable! Revenge-Plot Failed!

Read this news highlight and see how an 'X'-wife tried to get revenge on her X'-husband,
who already had an inkling she was up to no good.

All I can say is WOW!

I don't know if I'd call his smarts, 'female intuition', like the article and author states...

I think I'd actually call it some 'CYA'.

Reading this sure was funny, but in all actuality, getting back at your 'X' is no laughing matter....

Just goes to show ya, be careful out there...you never know what trap might be around the corner.

So, do the right thing and play it cool, and whether man or woman, don't ever think that getting revenge on your 'X' will be prosperous....

You will only hurt the children, waste your time, and in the end, you will be the fool...

Because kids eventually grow up - to see the games you have played....