Should Divorce Change the Way You Parent?

I never really liked the assumptions that I used to get in the beginning of my divorce. I especially disliked the comments I received, and sometimes still do:

"Well, I know you can understand, because you're divorced, and obviously as a single mom, you parent your children differently now." (People were referring to spoiling my children after divorce.)

After hearing that a few times, without much reply (because I was busy denying it), I actually had to wonder: "Do I really parent my kids differently after their dad and I separated? Do I spoil them?"

I've always been an involved, loving, compassionate, firm, no-nonsense, communicative mother.

 ~That's who I was before the divorce, and I'd like to think that's how I am now.

"I parent the same"...I still want what's best for them, I still explain to them the facts of life, the troubles ahead and the importance of decisions. I still spend quality time with them, laugh, play and bake chocolate chip cookies. So what gives!?

I guide and love them the same, as if I were still married to their dad.....

The logistics have changed, that's all.

Except, after I thought about it more, I had to admit, I might parent a little differently since the split almost seven years ago....

I MIGHT avoid sugar coating things even more now...

I MIGHT reveal more of myself than I did before...

And, I MIGHT take their errors to a whole new level of importance...

Because, I feel I need to drive home the fact that some mistakes are bigger than others...but all in all, I'm still me....AND, I still DON'T let them get away with murder, have everything they want or treat me with disrepect.

Do not feel shame or remorse because of your divorce, and never feel that you need to 'make it up to them'.  Kids can become dependent on that and feed off of it; using it to their advantage. Children are resilient, and with enough love and faith in their lives, they will be okay. You need, now, more than ever, to keep things on an even keel and assure them that you are still you, and they are still them. 

Use Divorce as a great time to get real with your kids. When parent's are not perfect, it create's an opportunity to explain how and why you messed up, what you learned and what you might have done differently. If you do this, there's a good chance you can help them break the cycle.

Tips on How to Parent Your Child After Divorce:

A simple site, but 'E-How.com' states this important rule in their #1 spot.

Do not feel guilty.

Continue being yourself as a single parent.

My Anniversary

Last year, when I started Divorce Dazed, it was the last of the babies born to my collection of blogs, and as it reaches it's first anniversary, I'm evaluating it, and its content, just as I've done with the others.

Some have asked me why I glorify divorce, others wonder why I want to stay stuck in the past by continuing to write about my divorce....and...why I wouldn't just want to get on with my life?

Well, first let me start by saying that if you've ever been divorced with children, you'd know that there is no easy way of 'forgetting my divorce' and 'getting on with life'. It will always be a part of my life for as long as I am alive. But, with that being said, it's been six years since the ink dried on my decree (seven if you count the separation and legal procedures) and I have to say that I think I've pretty much moved on. I've grown a lot since then. I don't blame anyone for my marriage ending, I like and accept who I am, I am independent, decided to relocate 600 miles away from my home state to begin my life over, and have continued to raise my children well. They are happy and healthy and our home life is very stable and loving. Recently, I even got re-married, (not that re-marrying indicates healing, because it doesn't: read more), but I think it's safe to say: I'm over it.

Secondly, anyone who reads my DD Disclaimer knows that my mission never is to encourage those in 'difficult' marriages to separate. Divorce is a personal choice, and unless it's absolutely necessary, you should stay married to your spouse, stick it out, and seek help.

Unfortunately, though, in some cases even after working to repair the marriage, it's still necessary for divorce. Divorce is not inevitable, but it does happen, and will continue to as long as it is a legal right. (I give it about fifteen to twenty more years before it's at risk of being challenged.)

When I got married to my first husband seventeen years ago, I never imagined that my fairytale wedding and marriage would end in divorce. Though, sadly it did.

I began Divorced Dazed, because I was painfully aware that there's not much out there for divorce support other than lot's of p-o'd people  cussing about their  'X's, and too many websites offering nasty legal advice.

If you follow my blog, you know I'm not dwelling, complaining or staying stuck in the past...I write to help put things into perspective for those encountering their divorce 'daze'.

I thought ten years of being married was a feat. I was proud of that, and I hated to give it up by divorcing my husband, but it was clear, that after that many years together, the depth of our relationship was just not there like it should be. I'm afraid it never was, because now with my current husband I have what I thought marriage should have been like all along, and in a short amount of time.

Like comparing the quality of my first ten years of marriage with my 'X', to my short second marriage; quantity did not mean quality.

That goes for this blog as well.

As ten years of marriage does not equal a healthy relationship, three blog posts a week does not mean great information. I've decided to better service Divorce Dazed readers decreasing the quantity of weekly posts from three, to one. Monday's posts will now have deeper topics, more guidance, and exercises, to help you with your life transition. With this change, I hope it leaves readers feeling more empowered with motivation and inspiration than ever before, and just like divorce: It's not the end, it's just a new beginning.

Thank you for supporting Divorce Dazed and I hope you will evolve with me.

Feel free to share your thoughts and suggest topics which are important to you.

See you next Monday!

How to Deal...During Divorce

Sometimes, when things are upside down, it's just better to admit they are,

than try to pretend they're not...

Check out this blog post to see:

How to Deal When Your Life is in Shambles

#4 is crucial....

Don't Let Your 'X' Steal This From You

Going through a divorce can leave you feeling robbed.
Whether it's stuff in the house, money in the bank, or time with the kids which was split in half or worse, split unevenly....it can leave us thinking we got the crappy end of the stick.

The deal is, we get attorney's to divide those things fairly, but it doesn't always turn out that way.

It is what it is sometimes and we cannot control it.

Though there is something in which we do have control over....and that is our Faith.

Faith is a strong power, and if you don't have it, life can be bleak; getting through tough times can seem impossible...and our attitude: hopeless.

At one point, I lost faith. I had no hope, no positive outlook and I right before one of the best outcomes of my life, I was ready to give up everything I ever wanted and deserved.

I allowed my 'X' to rob me of my freedom of life.
I let him steal my joy....
I gave up control of my heart, my drive and my belief.

Don't let this happen to you.

Faith is what makes us go on. Faith is what makes us get back up when we are pushed down.
Faith is what keeps us glued together and wake up tomorrow with new focus and hope.

During our divorce, just like during our marriage, my 'X' didn't steal anything.....

If I wanted Faith, I should have stepped up, and stood up, for it...

I stand here as a testament today; if you don't have Faith, it's not because someone (namely your 'X') stole it from you, it's because you let it go.

Be strong, have hope, and believe in a better omorrow.... for soon you will be a stronger you....

Nothing can stand in your way....only if you let it....

During or After Divorce, How Do You Keep Your Faith?

Help is On the Way...

During Divorce...

the last thing we want is someone tapping at our door, feeling sorry for us,

trying to make us feel better, or setting us up on a date...

So... 

Read this to see how to be a great friend when someone you know is going through tough times...

like divorce.

Divorce: Even if there's still love?

Find at Free-Extras.com

Just had to share this article...

A question which is often asked:

Is is normal to still love your spouse, but still want a divorce?

Yes.

I did.

It felt weird.

But, felt right

....and I survived.

~

This article is awesome, check it out!

I wish I knew then, what I know now...

I had never read anything like this when I was going through my divorce. It would have been quite helpful in the healing process.

EXCELLENT DIVORCE ADVICE!

I came across a blog post this week. 

IT'S A MUST READ FOR ALL DIVORCEE'S. 

This is a longer one, though it's direct, no nonsense, includes bullet points and 

even covers 'sex with your ex'!

Please check this out. 

Bookmark it if you have to.

Come back and read it later.

Not enough of this advice is out there!

Thanks!

'If you believe that you can damage, then believe that you can fix.' 

~ Rebbe Nachman

Are You Ready for Court?

Personally, I certainly was not ready for court.

I was a mess.

I was mad, I was scared. I felt guilty and clueless. I didn't know where to start and always focused on the moment at hand (including the feelings) rather than looking ahead.

More than once I found myself inside the court for my divorce, and many more times I found myself facing attorneys and my 'X' and not always knowing how to clearly explain what I wanted to say.

It seemed too difficult and frustrating to get my thoughts together, remain focused and keep myself from crying, jumping over the table and strangling someone, or screaming out loud, 'I hate you all!'.

After a few outrageous moments (out of court-thank goodness) I found that I was just too close to the 'subject at hand' to get my thoughts out successfully. The emotional connection to the marriage, the divorce and the kids, was enough to impede all, and anything, I had to say.

It took lots of time, and many suggestions from others, for me to learn the ropes of 'legal' battles.

If you are about to venture into the courtroom for a divorce, or are planning to go back to court, contact me.

I can help you quickly learn how to more effectively communicate your intentions, and desires, so that your attorney will know what to fight for, the judge will be more apt to listen, and your soon to be 'X' will be more inclined to cooperate.

Whether you are representing yourself during the divorce proceedings or have an attorney, contact me to:

• Learn how to improve your communication under stress 
• Focus more on what the court cares about so you get your desires met
• Get assistance writing up formal letters to the court and reviewing those you will be submitting
• Reviewing your potential custody arrangements for weaknesses which could cause future problems

Your divorce is one thing you never want to do alone.

8 Ways to Explain to Your Child Why You Divorced Your Spouse

I was a child of divorce, and during the experience, nobody explained a thing to me. I overheard an argument, we left and I rarely spoke to my mother again. I was almost eight years old, and I never asked my father any questions until I was 36.

It left me confused.

At the beginning of my own divorce with my 'X', we sat down with our three children (well-the two who were old enough to talk) and told them what was happening.

That alone did not stop the questions....
I will never forget on many occasions, when my four year old daughter would sit at the dinner table at night and ask, 'So, who's idea was it for this divorce thing, anyways?' (So, maybe we hadn't explained everything.)

I was always shocked, that at her age, she would be capable of asking such a question, never mind think it. (As she has become older, I realized that she's become quite an outspoken child, so maybe that's why she had the guts to ask.)

Honestly, most kids of divorce feel the same way, but it's very likely that they are not comfortable coming out an asking those types of things, but they really-really want to know what's happening...)

Kids have feelings too. They are comfortable with their routines and their current lives and they are severely affected by their parent's separation. Even if their parent's were never married, they still experience the changes along with the grown-ups, and desperately want to understand.

So, how do you talk to them about it?

The answer is: Carefully. 

A divorce is ultimately a result of two people's differences, weaknesses and decisions . Finger pointing at the other parent as the responsible party for the divorce is not only unfair, but damaging to the child. Believe it or not, it can also be extremely detrimental to the relationship between the child and the ill-talking parent.

Your child will always form their own opinions, whether you bad mouth your 'X' or not. And no matter what you say they did wrong (or continue to do) your child will always side with his own feelings in the end.

Many parents are afraid to admit to their child that they've initiated divorce or been imperfect in marriage.
It's important to put yourself and your own fears aside to explain to your child the reasons for your divorce...so that maybe, just maybe, you can help break the cycle, and keep them from making the same mistakes you did.

Here are some tips on how to explain to your child, 'why you divorced your spouse':

First:  In every conversation, always tell them, 'It's not your fault and we both still love you very much."

1. Make time to sit down for the talk, no interruptions from phones, siblings, etc.
2. Do it in a comfortable place, somewhere they like to be.
3. Keep it age appropriate, but if they ask mature questions, it's possible they may be able to handle a little more.
4. Don't hide the truth. They will find out on their own in due time, and when they do, you can be sure they will hold it against you if you lie to them.
5. Don't tell them, 'You wouldn't understand.' (They can, and will, if you help them.)
6. Don't try to make your spouse look bad, you need to take the blame as well (we all know it takes two).
7. Get them books, look them up in the library or on Amazon. There are several characters and age level stories to help kids understand (from a kids point of view) how to cope and what to expect, and it can sometimes help explain 'why'.
8. Put the divorce discussion on the table for questions today, and always.


My son was only two when I divorced my 'X'. He had no clue what was going on.
He will always have questions and will continually need help to go back, and fill in the blanks.

It's our job to help our children understand the divorce. I believe that kids can deal with it just fine as long as someone they trust tells them what's going on, and is there continually, to help them through the mounds of questions and emotions, so that someday, they can find closure...like I finally did, at 36.

What it Takes to Let Go

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar. ~ Raymond Lindquist

A Healthy Divorce Article

Anyone whose ever read my blog knows how much I talk about bad divorce blogs and bad divorce advice.
You might have also heard me say how difficult it is to find something about divorce worth reading, but after much searching this weekend, I found something!

This is a very smart article that I just had to share it with you! A few of the things mentioned you may have already heard me say, but there are definitely some you haven't.

So, click here to read some really great divorce advice and let me know what you think. (Anything that says he, can often be switched to she and vice versa, since much of the advice is universal.)

Poster Child for Divorce

 A story for you:

The week my divorce was final...Which was a year to the day I made the 'D'ecision.

'One summer day a stay-at-home-mom of three (all under the age of eight), and who home schooled her two oldest, decided to divorce her husband. They had a newly built home, no money in the bank and debt up to their eyeballs. She had a hefty car payment, employment skills which hadn't been updated in years because she'd been nursing pregnancies and raising little ones, while working from home. With no family to speak of locally who could help her, it appeared from the outside (and from her then-husband's point of view), that she didn't have a leg to stand on, a pot to @#%& in, or a place to go.'

'It's true, she didn't. But she still asked for a divorce.....'

That's the beginning of my divorce story.

I'd like to say I knew what I was doing back then...but I didn't. Even today, I have to really think hard to remember the initial leap and what I was expecting to happen. After a few minutes, I do find it... the reason I called it quits, and what my expectations were.

The Reason: Desperate for self-preservation and to escape the emotional abuse and camouflaged control.

My Expectations: Freedom, good health, independence and happiness.

I didn't have enough sense to think about what was next...I just did what I had to do...

It amazed me...with the amount of mental, physical and financial hell it cost me, I still seemed to somehow become the poster child for divorce amongst people I knew.

I never understood that.

They would say it was because I was brave enough to do it, and that I seemed okay after all of it.

I wasn't comfortable with the admiration...I hadn't felt brave. And actually, I felt rather stupid.

It probably wasn't the wisest idea; going into a divorce without a plan, because some days all I could do was cry, some days I just prayed. Sometimes I cursed, sometimes I messed up, and many days I thought about giving up. But I kept on pushing forward....and finally somehow made some headway in rebuilding myself and my life.

In my eyes, divorcing my husband had absolute nothing to do with courage. It had everything to do with survival.

'Okay, yes, I'm divorced and now I'm happy'. And 'Yes, it worked out for me in the end' .' 'But, no, I didn't want to have to take that step and it was painful as hell... and you shouldn't have to go through it either...if you can help it.'

When people come to me about being miserable in their own marriages I try to guide them back in the other direction. They don't always listen to me, and I guess sometimes they shouldn't...

So, now when someone asks, 'Should I get a divorce?',  My new advice to them is this:
You'll know when it's over. Just like I did. And like me, you probably won't have any idea what to do, but you will 'just do it'. You'll think about it, you'll try your hardest to talk yourself out of it, you will do what's right and try to make things work and when nothing works and you are exhausted and still miserable...(which is what happened to me after ten years of marriage), one day you will say...'that's it...we are getting divorced' and nothing will change your mind.

I know that just like when you will know somethings right, you will also know when it's not.

If this happens to you, it's okay, I'm here, and I understand. I will help guide you..(hence why I blog Divorce Dazed.

But, before then, seek everything in your power to preserve what is left in your marriage...

You don't want to live with regret.

You may not have time to plan. You may not have the sense to organize or strategize...I didn't...

Looking back, it does seem kind of crazy, and so yes, I recommend having a plan...it could make things much easier...

I suppose I it turned out alright, I certainly do not regret it, and since then I've actually decided to get re-married....

Which is now making me the poster child for 'Hope'.....

I guess that's a good thing....