Will My Kids Be A Statistic?

I remember six years ago when I was going through my divorce.

At one point my 'X' threw it in my face that since we were divorcing, so would all three of our children.

First off, they'd have to get married to do that...How did he know what each of them would decide?

Second, I not only took offense, but flat out denied that that would happen to them.

I am not a psychic. 

I cannot see the future. 

But I truly believe that my children have a better chance at marriage than us…

Because of the fact that their mother and father are divorced.

I know the statistics, and it's true my parents are divorced…and now I am divorced.

So you could look at me and assume that it will indeed carry down to my children's marriages.

Though I will argue that fact because

• My parents never told me why they divorced. 
• They never told me that they started out badly to begin with. 
• They never shared with me what they did wrong once married. 
• My father got re-married and proceeded to repeat the process above.
• My mother was not involved in my upbringing after the divorce.

So...now a little on me and my divorce:

• At each step in the process of divorce I have explained to my children (age appropriately) what is happening.
• I've explained what went wrong (that I am aware of) and what I would do right next time...additionally I teach them things about themselves to help them know who they are and what they want. As well as teach them about healthy/non-healthy relationships.
• And it seems as if I am getting my chance to show them a better, more healthy relationship and therefore they will have a model and a whole new education (that I never had).
• Without education on what they did wrong, how would know what to do right?

It is what it is, but it doesn’t have to be for my kids.

Can I 100% guarantee that my kids will not divorce? No, because statistically speaking 50% of ALL marriages end in divorce and personally speaking I cannot predict what their future spouse will be like, do or what my grown children will do either...but I do believe, if handled correctly, divorce can be the a tool to teach children the best lessons in self-discovery, marriage and yes, divorce. 

Read more on Kids of Divorce

Truly,

Amber

A Fellow Divorcee Who Remarries is Still Divorced

In October of this year I will remarry.

Sometimes it’s uncomfortable to tell a fellow friend/divorcee you are getting remarried.

If they haven’t gotten married again they tend to look at you as if you have two heads and then follow it up by saying:
'OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH' (The Ohhh is usually paired with tones that go up and down from the O to the very last H'.

The other reaction I sometimes get is this:

Silence.

In the first situation, my guess (and this is strictly a guess) is that it's about the friend thinking you’re crazy and now they have nothing in common with you.

It’s almost as if they feel the need to hit the ‘unfriend button’ on Facebook; they are about to write you off of their 'cool friends list' because, as of this moment, they don’t know you anymore…you are getting 're-married' and will no longer be a divorcee.

Maybe they are against re-marriage and the bitterness is still oozing.

Or maybe, like in the second instance, I think (and again - just an assumption) they might be making comparisons between their divorce and yours and where they are in own their life compared to you. They are wondering why they are not getting remarried to someone they love.

More importantly they wonder why they are divorced in the first place, since that was not the original plan. (I know the feeling.)

I tend to feel a little guilty when someone responds to my news this way.

I purposely try not to bring it up or discuss it…I don’t want to hurt feelings…and I certainly don’t want them to be sad or not stay close to me because of it.

But I can’t blame them, I was there once too.

It took me six years of being divorced to know I was ready. I oozed bitterness and confusion, anger and sadness, just as much as the next divorce.

It took a lot of work to get rid of it all.

There isn’t a day that will go by in my life that I will not wish my first marriage worked out… and I can honestly say I know I am not the only one.

There are millions of confused divorcees that will never understand completely what went wrong…who did what…or why they ended up here. (A select few will admit to knowing before they walked down the aisle that it was all wrong. I was not one of them.)

Bottom line…

I will always be divorced.

Just because I am re-marrying does not mean my divorce will be erased. As other divorcees do, I will always carry certain scars. Though I feel grateful that with time the scars will fade.

Again, I’ve only shared assumptions and I know what they say about assuming...
 I took a shot in the dark.

In about three months I will be a Mrs again, but I will continue writing this divorce blog and I still plan on writing divorce-self-help-books, because my divorce changed me for the better.

And as long as I have a memory… I will know, and remember, I am divorced…

I can only hope it helps me in my re-marriage…

I feel like it already has.

I've only shared my assumptions here...I know what they say about those...
Enlighten me and share yours...

We are in this together.

Truly Your Fellow Divorcee…
Amber

Truly,
Amber

The 40 Year Old Version-a Humoir

Divorce isn't funny.

Actually, it's very painful....

But I love humor..I've always loved humor... and sometimes, if I don't let myself laugh- I will be sure to cry.

I find that humor helps lighten the mood in many situations and occassionally helps us forget, if not just for a fleeting moment, the major troubles and sadness in our lives.

Being divorced can suck.

Being divorced with children can suck more.

I might be a woman (i.e.; The 'X' 'Wife') and according to some, I probably ought to be against the 'Other Guys', but I'm not. 

They're dealing with this crap too and everyone deserves a moment of relief. 

It's not only Her fault...nor is it only His...

So, today I'm sharing something for the guys. (You ladies might find some laughs here too...and maybe a little insight too.)

Check out this book, The 40 Year-Old-Version  by Joel Schwartzberg...

Funny...but Real, even the title is hilarious!

Again, Divorce=not funny....

A Laugh=theraputic....

Truly,

Amber

They Can See Eye To Eye On One Thing...

'I don't understand you and you don't understand me...

What else do we have in common????'

- Ashleigh Brilliant

I saw this the other day and it was so simple, but so on point.

Isn't it true, that until an unhappy couple divorces, they cannot seem to agree on anything?

But once divorced they seem to 'understand' and 'accept' that they are different?
Weren't they always different though???

Hence the sayings:

'His yin to her yang'

'We compliment each other'

'Opposites attract'

and so on and and so on...

Isn't it sad that it takes a divorce for a couple to accept their differences?

Does that mean they cramped the others style while they were together?
Does it mean that they did not appreciate one another?

OR

Were their differences not the kinds that worked well together no matter what?

Under the circumstances, I guess we will never know.


But here's to them agreeing on something.

Truly,

Amber

Soul Searching After Divorce

Picture this:

A couple gets married.

They assume they will live in wedded bliss for the rest of their lives.

Then one day they realize:

1. They got married to the wrong person
2. They got married for the wrong reasons
3. They don’t know why they got married in the first place

And it leads them to divorce.

When the divorce process is over it’s possible that these three things could happen:

1. They will reevaluate who they are
2. They will decide what they really want in life
3. They will consider whether or not they want to be with a partner or spouse again in the future

 

It's a new chapter where the divorcee takes time to be him or herself and explore life on their own so that in the future they can be a whole and happy individual.

This is Soul Searching...

And...it ’s not an overnight process. 

Just because it's the morning after D-Day and the ink is dry, doesn’t mean your new life is absolute.

Sorry...but this is actually just the beginning.

The process of self-re-discovery will not be completed instantaneously nor will it happen simultaneously…

It took me a year to confirm who I really was after my divorce, two years to recover from my divorce emotionally (and still to this day a thing, or two, will arise which I need to work on).

It then took two more years to find out what I wanted out of life and another couple of years to actually admit that I was ready to commit to a second marriage...some of it overlapped, some of it didn't.

It takes years after a divorce to actually create a new You and a new future (hence why I don’t ever support re-marriage within the first two years of divorce…there is something called rebound- it's dangerous, it happens to all of us, and it’s a topic for another day).

Soul Searching is where divorcees go back in time and reevaluate why they got married in the first place, who they were when and who their spouse was when they got married.

They may even want to take a look at the needs they may have been trying to fill by getting married (this is a common mistake if they married young,).

Take the time to re-construct your future….one step at a time.You're worth it.

 “The road to success is always under construction”….

                     Just like a divorcee’s life.

                     Happy Soul Searching.

                                           Truly,

                                           Amber

Divorce Poem

Not everyone's divorce is a happy one. 

Though I find that if both members do their best to be positive and keep 

friends close who support them...They can someday be very happy.

I came across this divorce poem on the internet 

(and yes, somewhere I think there are greeting cards for divorce)

But I thought I'd share it...

Hint: it has a happy ending.

You appeared so very happy
The day you made that vow
But I have noted one thing
You seem much happier now.
For better or for worse,
You had the worse ..of course
So this is just to wish for you
A jubilant divorce

                                                            - by Marjie ( Bunnikins) c 2006 

 When two people divorce it can be a sad thing. Not everyone is celebrating at a time like this, but think of it this way- 

Gone will be the days of not connecting, not understanding and not being that happy couple you'd always dreamed you'd be.

If you're divorce did not make you happy...I am sorry...but someday after time passes, you will find that peace and contentedness again.

Truly,

Amber

A Home is Not Always A House

Many times in marriages a couple will purchase a house.

In my marriage instead of buying one we chose to build one.

It was beautiful house…not too big, not too small…just right, minus the picket fence.

When I got divorced I kept the house for a few years and then relocated to Ohio.

Since I couldn’t take the house with me, nor could I afford it anyhow, I moved into an apartment. 

I like my apartment a lot.

I don’t think I will love it forever, but I am content for now.

Some days I think about a house and feel that I would like another one  and that I’d be happier with one. 

I’ve been in my apartment for several years now and I already feel very happy so would it really make me that happier?

You know what I have found is that when I had a house I wasn’t any happier.  

Actually I was quite miserable.

I will move someday, I just don’t quite know when exactly...In due time I suppose. 

Until then, I am quite certain that I do not need to live in a house to be successful, happy or content.

I have a roof over my head, the people I love, my pets and .... a balcony container garden to get my gardening fix...and ...I don't think I need much more. 

Truly,

Amber