How to Know When It's Wrong Before Marriage, and Avoid Divorce

Although this is a post divorce blog,
and I am divorced...
I'd still love to see the divorce rate decrease,
so I occasionally write about marriage...

                                                   

                                                      (If you still want to go through with it,
                                                 this cake topper can be found at: CinderellaCakeToppers.com)

I never believed this quote by Groucho Marx:

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce....

But, I guess it could have some merit considering what I know now.

In a past post on my other blog I wrote

 'How You Know When It's Right'...

This article will help 
you know if it's wrong.

A Divorce Statistic I Don't Buy

It's long been said that those who live together first, then marry, will have a higher chance of divorce.

According to this article :

1. Higher Divorce Rate
Perhaps the most compelling and widespread argument against living together before marriage is that several researchers say it increases the risk of breaking up. Virtually all studies of this topic have shown that the chance of divorce is significantly greater for married couples who lived together first. And in 1992, the National Survey of Families and Households found that, in 3,300 families, married couples who had lived together first were judged to be 46 percent more likely to get divorced.

After my divorce in 2006, this type of study (and outcomes) were still leaning towards this being true, though I never really believed it. Although my 'X' and I did live together first, I never thought that had anything to do with our divorce.

Living together first would actually put you in a better position I'd think.

I have always said that you never really know someone until you live with them. I'd have to imagine that if you are able to live with someone first, you would have the chance to get to know them better, then decide better whether or not should marry them.

(It's true: everyone has an outward face or personality and some things many people including our close friends might not know about us. We all put on our best when we are out with others and the only way to deeply know a person is to live with them day in and day out. That way you see their habits- both good and bad.)

This way, if you live with someone and suddenly cannot stand them, chances are you won't marry them, and in turn, won't be getting divorced.

While writing this, I wanted to see if the old statistics are still being pushed... so I looked up some more recent stats on 'live-together-before-marriage-leads-to-higher-divorce rates'... and I found this.

Hmmm... sure does sound more logical (and more accurate).

It Can Be Good When Everything Changes (Video)

Sometimes it seems impossible to appreciate lost love...

 But I learned a long time ago from a good friend,
that we need to appreciate all things 

which happen to us;

 even the bad ones.

Check out this song

and 
'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

~ Dr. Seuss

Today make a list of ten good things that came out of your Divorce.

Come on...I know you can do it.

If I can, you can:

My 10 Good Things:

1. My 3 amazing children

2. My new life and career

3. My stronger sense of self

4. Our many years of fun and freedom when young love was simple and easy

5. The fact that my 'X' taught me to order something different off the menu every time I eat out

6. 2 years of being a stay at home Mom (probably the most priceless experience besides giving birth)

7. My amazing 2nd husband

8. My renewed trust in God

9. Increased inner strength, self confidence and self respect

10. The ability to help better educate my children on 'life'

Someone else once said to me that 'Nothing is a loss'...

A Divorce Quote On The Pain Of Divorce (and 10 Healthy Ways to Recover From That Pain)

A divorce is like an amputation; you survive, but there's less of you. -Margaret Atwood

10 Ways to Really Heal After Divorce

A Must See Video if You Want to Move On After Divorce

There are so many messages within this video. 

One of my favorites is at the very end:

"Leave the past behind and embrace the present"

Should Divorce Change the Way You Parent?

I never really liked the assumptions that I used to get in the beginning of my divorce. I especially disliked the comments I received, and sometimes still do:

"Well, I know you can understand, because you're divorced, and obviously as a single mom, you parent your children differently now." (People were referring to spoiling my children after divorce.)

After hearing that a few times, without much reply (because I was busy denying it), I actually had to wonder: "Do I really parent my kids differently after their dad and I separated? Do I spoil them?"

I've always been an involved, loving, compassionate, firm, no-nonsense, communicative mother.

 ~That's who I was before the divorce, and I'd like to think that's how I am now.

"I parent the same"...I still want what's best for them, I still explain to them the facts of life, the troubles ahead and the importance of decisions. I still spend quality time with them, laugh, play and bake chocolate chip cookies. So what gives!?

I guide and love them the same, as if I were still married to their dad.....

The logistics have changed, that's all.

Except, after I thought about it more, I had to admit, I might parent a little differently since the split almost seven years ago....

I MIGHT avoid sugar coating things even more now...

I MIGHT reveal more of myself than I did before...

And, I MIGHT take their errors to a whole new level of importance...

Because, I feel I need to drive home the fact that some mistakes are bigger than others...but all in all, I'm still me....AND, I still DON'T let them get away with murder, have everything they want or treat me with disrepect.

Do not feel shame or remorse because of your divorce, and never feel that you need to 'make it up to them'.  Kids can become dependent on that and feed off of it; using it to their advantage. Children are resilient, and with enough love and faith in their lives, they will be okay. You need, now, more than ever, to keep things on an even keel and assure them that you are still you, and they are still them. 

Use Divorce as a great time to get real with your kids. When parent's are not perfect, it create's an opportunity to explain how and why you messed up, what you learned and what you might have done differently. If you do this, there's a good chance you can help them break the cycle.

Tips on How to Parent Your Child After Divorce:

A simple site, but 'E-How.com' states this important rule in their #1 spot.

Do not feel guilty.

Continue being yourself as a single parent.

A Mother's Letter to her 'X's Second Wife...

Wow.

I am speechless...(that doesn't happen very often).

In doing some weekend reading on divorce, 

I revisited a site I feel covers important topics.

This letter absolutely left me speechless...

It says it precisely...
I had absolutely nothing to add...

Except:

~Signed,
That Woman