Saturday, December 31, 2011

How to Bring in The New Year After Divorce


Make this New Year 'Your Year'!

No doubt, divorce changes things and can bring about some major disappointments.

I will never forget how long it took me after my divorce to get over my crushed dreams.

Gone were my ideals of being married to my husband for 50-60 years, flushed was the image of adding an addition onto our home, and gone was my desire to live in one place for the rest of my life...

This was just a start...

Married couples, happy or not, make so many plans together. And aside from those ones which are said out loud, your heart and mind make a few silent ones as well...

(I suppose it could be called looking to the future as things are today and making an assumption it will continue tomorrow.)

My biggest assumption was the idea I would be raising my children in the one home we ever had, the one which we built. I just figured I'd watch them grow up there.

'Well, why wouldn't I?'

My 'X' and his best friend spent days wiring the recessed lighting (including the final afternoon when he was late getting to our daughter's first birthday party because they were trying so hard to complete the job).

Many evening hours were spent in our new home, with our little ones falling asleep in their playpen, as we painted our soon to be living room, bedroom, kitchen, baths and bedrooms).

There were weeks of going to the property and picking up trash and making dump runs...

Then, making that grueling move into our home in a blizzard, on Thanksgiving...

After all of that, I guess I did just assume that our grandchildren would eventually pick strawberries and vegies from our backyard garden, like my own children began doing.

'And Who Wouldn't?'

But, all of that changed for sure.

And it took me two years after my divorce, to  finally realized that it didn't matter where we lived, and I finally let go of the dream when I moved out of our home and relocated to an apartment 600 miles away.

'All that was important then was that we were healing and that my children and I had time together.'

But, that wasn't it.... there was a catch... I couldn't do it by just moving away, I had to actually let go of the ties that held me to the past, by building new dreams.

Dreams and goals ought to be a part of everyone's life; young, old, married, single or divorced.

Without them, our lives are lived in a perpetual groundhog day, so to speak. (If you've ever seen the movie, you know that the main character (Bill Murray) wakes up each day doing the same thing-literally.)
As we get into that dreary routine of life, with no hope for the future, life becomes boring and even depressing.

After divorce, nothing will really go back to the way it was, and most of us realize that, after a while, we wouldn't want it to anyhow.

Our home wasn't large... but it wasn't small either. It seemed just perfect for a small family of five. But honestly, I was never really in love with some of it's features, or at one point, it's location. Building a home was difficult...you had to assume you knew what the future would hold....and we all know that's impossible.

'Change is inevitable.'

It's been six years since my 'X' and I split, and I've spent a good majority of those years building one small dream after another, and I'm happy to say that I look forward to another New year so that I can build more.

Hanging on to the past will always be the anchor which holds us back from creating a new future.

So, this New Year's, allow yourself to let go of the 'Old Dreams' and 'Build New Ones'!

Make the first goal a personal one....

What will you do to 'rebuild you'?

You can’t drive forward on the road of life
if you’re looking in the rear view mirror.- author unknown




Saturday, December 24, 2011

A Birth at Chirstmas for the Divorced

I wish you all the things you want for Christmas.
If you are in the middle of
a divorce, or close to the end, 
I hope it soon comes to a close.

Most of all, I wish you peace, acceptance, happiness and joy,
and applaud you for coming this far down the broken road.

I assure you that there will be better days ahead and that 
Divorce is not the end, but just the beginning of
a new life which was meant to be amazing!

As many celebrate Christmas as the gift of a birth,
you too celebrate Christmas with with a birth,
your own - a person anew, divorced.

Find the time this holiday to reflect on what is good within you and around you.
Take a moment to cherish what has been
and what will be.

Happy Holidays.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

8 Ways to Explain to Your Child Why You Divorced Your Spouse

I was a child of divorce, and during the experience, nobody explained a thing to me. I overheard an argument, we left and I rarely spoke to my mother again. I was almost eight years old, and I never asked my father any questions until I was 36.

It left me confused.

At the beginning of my own divorce with my 'X', we sat down with our three children (well-the two who were old enough to talk) and told them what was happening.

That alone did not stop the questions....
I will never forget on many occasions, when my four year old daughter would sit at the dinner table at night and ask, 'So, who's idea was it for this divorce thing, anyways?' (So, maybe we hadn't explained everything.)

I was always shocked, that at her age, she would be capable of asking such a question, never mind think it. (As she has become older, I realized that she's become quite an outspoken child, so maybe that's why she had the guts to ask.)

Honestly, most kids of divorce feel the same way, but it's very likely that they are not comfortable coming out an asking those types of things, but they really-really want to know what's happening...)

Kids have feelings too. They are comfortable with their routines and their current lives and they are severely affected by their parent's separation. Even if their parent's were never married, they still experience the changes along with the grown-ups, and desperately want to understand.

So, how do you talk to them about it?

The answer is: Carefully. 

A divorce is ultimately a result of two people's differences, weaknesses and decisions . Finger pointing at the other parent as the responsible party for the divorce is not only unfair, but damaging to the child. Believe it or not, it can also be extremely detrimental to the relationship between the child and the ill-talking parent.

Your child will always form their own opinions, whether you bad mouth your 'X' or not. And no matter what you say they did wrong (or continue to do) your child will always side with his own feelings in the end.

Many parents are afraid to admit to their child that they've initiated divorce or been imperfect in marriage.
It's important to put yourself and your own fears aside to explain to your child the reasons for your divorce...so that maybe, just maybe, you can help break the cycle, and keep them from making the same mistakes you did.

Here are some tips on how to explain to your child, 'why you divorced your spouse':

First:  In every conversation, always tell them, 'It's not your fault and we both still love you very much."

1. Make time to sit down for the talk, no interruptions from phones, siblings, etc.
2. Do it in a comfortable place, somewhere they like to be.
3. Keep it age appropriate, but if they ask mature questions, it's possible they may be able to handle a little more.
4. Don't hide the truth. They will find out on their own in due time, and when they do, you can be sure they will hold it against you if you lie to them.
5. Don't tell them, 'You wouldn't understand.' (They can, and will, if you help them.)
6. Don't try to make your spouse look bad, you need to take the blame as well (we all know it takes two).
7. Get them books, look them up in the library or on Amazon. There are several characters and age level stories to help kids understand (from a kids point of view) how to cope and what to expect, and it can sometimes help explain 'why'.
8. Put the divorce discussion on the table for questions today, and always.


My son was only two when I divorced my 'X'. He had no clue what was going on.
He will always have questions and will continually need help to go back, and fill in the blanks.

It's our job to help our children understand the divorce. I believe that kids can deal with it just fine as long as someone they trust tells them what's going on, and is there continually, to help them through the mounds of questions and emotions, so that someday, they can find closure...like I finally did, at 36.




Monday, December 19, 2011

Is Your Picker Broken?

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about how when I got married to my first husband I must've had a 'broken picker'.

I'd never heard of this phrase before...I thought it was merely a slang phrase made up by the person whom told it to me!

To my surprise, MORE people know about this 'broken picker' phrase than I thought, and not only that, they have (or had) one too!!!

As far as I'm concerned, anyone who's been divorced can consider their picker broken, at least once...

Read This if You Think You Have a Broken Picker

Read This is You Think You Would Like to Fix It



Friday, December 16, 2011

OMG! The Funniest Divorce Attorney Advertisment Video!



I wonder how many clients he received from it!
From the sounds of this, he might still be working on healing!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Monday, December 12, 2011

Murder vs. Divorce


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"


The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."


The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"


The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
- posted online by John1960

Reading this might be funny, but murder no joke. Unhappy marriages should never come to this...though every year there's folks who feel this is their only way out.


We thought our marriage was bad...

With constant frustration, chronic unhappiness, complete and utter miscommunication and misunderstanding all the time, stress, anger and sometimes deceit...

We end up contemplating divorce...

And we think: 'that could be far worse.'...

With it's costly attorney's fees, unpleasant exchanges with the 'X', dissatisfied societal views, crushed dreams, possible custody problems and the loss of half of our property and savings...

At this point....there are a select few who decide they cannot stand to be married, or divorced, so they some how convince themselves murder will become their salvation.

I agree that life is certainly too short to live unhappily, and with someone you can't stand. True also that divorce can become a difficult option....

But, living life -period- is worth living.

I never thought about killing my 'X'.

Being separated was enough for me.

So, we took the long road and divorced. It took a year and it wasn't fun, nor was it pretty...but...

Just being able to remove he and myself from the misery of being married, having the ability to move away from each other and move on would give us the freedom both emotionally and physically that we needed.

Let's for a moment contemplate something else ...

Life in prison, the electric chair, and/or our family going through life with the agony we put them through after having been convicted of murder....(and in our case there would be some children left without parents).

So, what makes some people believe murder is better (or smarter) than divorce is beyond me...

We know the spouse is always a suspect....and therefore we'll be caught...(remember Scott Peterson?)

My thoughts:
This is your life...and if being married is painful, and divorce seems even more painful, 
think about the alternatives, or maybe more so, think about the consequences to the alternative.



Friday, December 9, 2011

Wow! Unbelievable! Revenge-Plot Failed!


Read this news highlight and see how an 'X'-wife tried to get revenge on her X'-husband,
who already had an inkling she was up to no good.

All I can say is WOW!

I don't know if I'd call his smarts, 'female intuition', like the article and author states...

I think I'd actually call it some 'CYA'.

Reading this sure was funny, but in all actuality, getting back at your 'X' is no laughing matter....

Just goes to show ya, be careful out there...you never know what trap might be around the corner.

So, do the right thing and play it cool, and whether man or woman, don't ever think that getting revenge on your 'X' will be prosperous....

You will only hurt the children, waste your time, and in the end, you will be the fool...

Because kids eventually grow up - to see the games you have played....







Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A Great Divorce Tweet



Tweeted by   
Divorce Outreach:

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~Lewis B Snede

Monday, December 5, 2011

I'm Re-Married and Nothing Has Changed


Attempting Wedded Bliss A Second Time

I've been divorced for six years but was recently re-married and since then, everyone I see keeps asking me... 'So, how's life as Mrs., has anything changed?'

Prior to tying the knot I continually wondered if anything would be different after the 'big day'.

I remember marrying my first husband. I had really thought something (anything) would change. I figured we'd known each other so well that it would only get better from there and we would embark on a brilliant world of matrimony! (Boy was I wrong...on all accounts.)

We didn't know each other nearly enough and things certainly did not get better, the marriage was blissful for a while....but not forever like we'd thought.

What is it about getting married young, or for the first time? Why is it we think things will magically and magnificently change?

We imagine things like:
  • We will become a better couple
  • We will become smarter people
  • We will become more complete human beings
  • We will become more successful individuals
None of those things change as a result of marriage.

That is fantasy.

And this is reality.

I knew what it felt like to get married already. I knew what it was like to be a bride, say my vows and...be a wife...I knew what to expect.

But, this time around, as every one of my friends and colleagues got excited for my wedding and the 'big changes' ahead, I played it cool....expecting something different....

I hoped that absolutely nothing would change.

And so far, as dull as it might seem, I was right....nothing has.

Things are the same as they were before we made it legal.
  • We still sometimes have the miscommunication which most men and women (or any couple) tends to have...
  • We still have very little time to spend alone together (we're a busy family and a two income household) ...
  • We still love each other very much ...
And I am very okay with this!

We will endure the ups and downs that life bring and celebrate the amazing moments....learning something new about each other every day (hoping it's mostly good...but it know that it won't always be...)

Okay- so it seems that maybe one thing might have changed this time around (possibly even two)...

  1. We try harder to make it through things........because we know what our options are....

      2.  We married for the right reasons, and what appears to be the right person, and we aren't awaiting  a magic spell to take place

Maybe second marriages don't get the credit they deserve....

Friday, December 2, 2011

Fitting In To Society

 
'I've never been married, 
but I tell people I'm divorced
 so they won't think something is wrong with me'.
- Elayne Boosler