D. I. V. O. R. C. E.

D. I. V. O. R. C. E. 

...the dirty word...

Divorce -Ew. Horrible…Ssshhh…

When I was getting divorced in 2005 it sure did seem like a dirty word.

And even though divorce seems more common than it was when I was growing up, it still has a stigma to it...

But, I'm not afraid to admit that, 'Yes, I am the D-word'.

I'm always amazed at how many people who are not divorced, or even married for that matter, can be so quick to judge.

How can they think they know what it's like?

I remember telling my family I was divorcing. It was my choice and not too many family members on either mine OR my ex’s side were thrilled.

I had one of my own relatives tell me, ‘suck it up, he’s your husband, deal with it’.  

Now that was interesting.

And then, how about when people say: ‘Divorce is soooo eeeaasssy….’ 

I can’t stand that. 

My response is, ‘No.  MARRIAGE is sooooo  eassssssy…’

There are very few hoops to jump through to get married.

Can you say J.P.? There are plenty of them.

Can you say quick? Some areas don't even require blood tests.

Can you say cheap? It can be, if you don’t have a full blown wedding.

(And don't even get me started on the financial incentives for a couple to wed.)

So if anything is easy, getting married is.

Envision that the nation’s 50% divorce rate could possibly reflect the following: 

If half of those people decided not to get married in the first place, divorce rates wouldn’t be so high.

There are many couples who should not be together, should not be getting married, or should not still be married. (A conversation for another day.)

The fact of the matter is, there are more hoops to jump through to get a divorce than there are to get married. 

 And divorce carries the most excruciating, emotional and financial baggage you will ever experience.

Divorcing after 11 years, with three children under the age of eight, with a newly built home and a ton of debt…HARD

Saying goodbye to who you were, life as you knew it and the future had planned for your family…HARD

Splitting the time you spend with your children on holidays, weekends and at bedtime...TRAUMATIC

There is nothing about divorce that is easy...

Everyone is entitled to their opinions and I can respect that.

But how do you kindly explain that there were no other options. How do you prove that you tried everything before you single-handedly pulled the plug on your family’s routines, and dreams?

You don’t.

And the good part is that you don’t have to.

We all make choices in this life. Whether others agree with us, or not, should not be our main concern.

People are human; they are going to make mistakes. And when they do, they ought to be afforded the freedom to fix them.

And like marriage, divorce is a choice that can be made in America, by almost anyone, almost anywhere, and is not likely going away anytime soon.

So if you have never been divorced, and presume divorced people have taken the easy route, think again. 

It’s not nearly as easy as you imagine.

If you are married and are considering divorce make sure you’re sure. 

Because this is the path you are about to choose, and none of it is simple.

But if it’s the only way out for you, than no one should fault you for it. 

Just know this: don’t try to do it alone, find support.

And remember, this is your life...

Be strong and stand tall.

Things will get better…

Ask me how I know…

Truly,

Amber

Previous author/columnist for ‘Life Goes On’, which was about my new life as a single, divorced mother of 3.

Separation or Divorce?

I had someone ask me what I thought about separation opposed to straight-up divorce.

I had to think about it for a while.

I knew what my separation meant to me and why I’d done it.

I also knew that every couple’s separation reasons and results would be different…

But I Googled separation just to get some more insight into the actual meaning (and the justification of it).

I found these two definitions thanks to Divorceinfo.com & Wikipedia (respectively):

Trial Separation: The main advantage of a trial separation, of course, is that it's easily reversible. You can try it for a while, go through counseling, and then reconcile, or you can try it for a while and then proceed with divorce.

Legal Separation: A legal process by which a married couple may formalize a de facto separation while remaining legally married. A legal separation is granted in the form of a court order, which can be in the form of a legally binding consent decree. The most common reason for filing legal separation is to make interim financial arrangements, such as deciding who will pay bills, possess property, and whether alimony is appropriate, prior to a divorce. These financial arrangements are actually what the term "separate maintenance" refers to, and "separate maintenance" is not a synonym for "legal separation".

Then I’ve added my own:

Your own-way –reasons-and-rules-separation…and here is how mine worked:

In the spring of 2004 I asked for a separation. I asked my husband to leave the house for a few days.

My reasons at the time for him to leave temporarily were as follows:

  

1.   I needed him to think about the overall situation without being at home, near me and his family, so he could clearly see the magnitude of the problems we were still having. With him at home it was just business as usual.  
2.  I wanted him to wake up and realize where we were at in the marriage –rock bottom-(close to the end, or at a very least,  a detrimental place)
3.  I needed him away from me (I could not think or feel anything anymore-I felt sick and very closterphobic with him around) 
4.  I wanted to find out if I truly felt like a normal human being and a happy person when he was away (as I had every day after he left for work)

I was not trying to cushion the blow of asking for a divorce, like many assume is the motive.  (Heck, I did not want a divorce, I had been married to my husband for ten years; I loved him. We had three children under the age of 8, I was not working and we had a new home, car payments, etc. This would not be the most pleasant thing to go forward with.)

I thought that my separation was actually more for answer-seeking and reconciling purposes.

And my reasons were mostly positive. 

I’d prayed that my husband would wake up and get the picture.  I truly believed he would see that he was losing his wife and that his family was crumbling in front of his eyes and get up and do something about it.

I had imagined that a few days away would help him feel compassionate and maybe a little remorseful about things and would want to come back to work hard with me to repair the issues that broke our marriage down.

I’m sure that some couples might be able to separate amicably, stay this way for some time, then get back together….

But I don’t know any.

I do know that some couples separate knowing it’s the end. And separation it’s just an easy way to ease out of the marriage and into ‘the next phase’ of ending things.

I personally would not be able to handle that since I would never know whether I was coming or going…

And the main problem I see with a one-way-decided separation:  (where one partner asks another partner to leave) is that the one who is asked to leave cannot really be happy about it. 

They are the ones having to go away from the comfort of their own home and their family.

Bitterness is bound to follow. 

And now that I think about it, how was my husband supposed to feel warm and fuzzy about fixing things if he’d been ‘kicked out’? (Harshly put but probably true, I am putting the shoe on the other foot here, and doesn’t it make sense to?)

After my husband came home from staying at a nearby hotel for three or four days he was a ‘little’ better, but not much and things continued the way they always had in our marriage.

Maybe I just hadn’t yet admitted to myself that my marriage was already over, because as I recall when we saw each other during our separation, for the kids sake, and for Easter (which happened to be at the tail end of the separation), he complained about not being able to get a good cup of coffee and being too far from the car to start it up and let it run for a bit before work in the morning.

Clearly, in my situation my separation failed its basis; to assist in clarity and help to resolve issues...because three months later I asked for a divorce.

My bottom line on separation?

Separation is the opposite of reconciliation. 

If you both want to stay together, you should not get separated.

And if you feel that you have to ask your spouse or significant other to leave because you cannot live another second in their presence, and/or they are too thick headed, stubborn or cruel to work things out with you thus far…you might as well cut to the chase and ask for a Divorce.

It will save a whole lot of headaches, confusion and money. 

Because I've been divorced six years and my only regret is not divorcing him sooner.

If you have success stories on separation please share them, because I always love to hear happy endings and I’m sure others do too.

Truly,

Amber

The Real Story About Divorce

Recently I read a poem that made me think how things change dramatically from honeymoon to divorce.

Marriage Then Divorce 

Posted by Administrator on the Divorce Jokes website/ The Humorous Side of Divorce /Jokes Humor Satire

 

She married him because he was such a "strong man"
She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."

He married her because she was so "fragile and petite."
He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."

She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living."
She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."

He married her because "she reminds me of my mother."
He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day."

She married him because he was "happy and romantic."
She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving."

He married her because she was "steady and sensible."
He divorced her because she was "boring and dull."

She married him because he was "the life of the party."
She divorced him because he is always "the life of the party."

Sort of makes you think, doesn't it?' and It's funny, but not...

Truly,

Amber

25 Things to Do The Second Time Around

Second marriages don't carry as much of a success rate as first marriages and firsts are at 50% divorce rate...seconds are much, much higher.

After my first marriage I thought I would be able to apply what I learned, but since we just reached our two year anniversary of dating, and are heading towards marriage, I have been thinking that maybe I should take some wise advice from those who've been married longer than I was.

First marriages can be taken for granted...second ones are a second chance to get it right.

This list is amazing, but I think that # 16 is my favorite because it can be applied daily and sometimes multiple times.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/5PaVrn/www.gosanangelo.com/news/2008/mar/16/25-tips-on-how-to-stay-married/

Here's to your present marriage which might be on the rocks, your future marriage if you ever venture there and here is to my marriage which I do pray for and work at, on a daily basis.

Truly,

Amber

 Like many others who were married once before, I always had the intention that it'd be forever...........

I believe that with hard work, dedication and the right partner...It will be.

Take Your Time Down the Isle

My boyfriend and I are celebrating our second year anniversary today. We were introduced by a mutual friend of ours and we’ve been inseparable ever since. (If you don’t count our six-month –long-distance relationship.) And by inseparable I do not mean that we aren’t our own person , without our own interests and activities…because as I learned from my first marriage, that’s not healthy.

What I mean is that we are really a great pair.

We have downs like every couple and some have not been pretty…but we have been learning every day how to communicate, work together, and create more win-win situations. (Hard to do if you did it poorly in your first marriage-bad habits die hard.)

We have lots of laughs together, incredible moments of growing and understanding each other.

He does not have any children, but I have my three children who live with us and we work very well side by side as parents, and always know how in which direction we are going in with them.

As we celebrate two years of being together, we are also counting down the days to getting married.

I know some would say that we must be crazy… 

Sometimes I think too,  ‘I must be out of my mind!’, and not because I don’t love him, but because we have both been married before and have also been divorced and neither of us want to have a bad marriage and end up in like that…all over again.

Also, I think that something bad happens to divorcees …we tend to become jaded.

We become negative on marriage and we lose hope on long lasting, truly wonderful relationships. Or sometimes the opposite happens…we dive right into marriage again without thinking; never taking the time to figure out the true issues behind our failed marriage.  Then history repeats itself and we bottom out…looking around wondering what in the world just happened.

I rushed into an engagement before this one. 

I wasn’t divorced but just two years…(not nearly long enough if you ask me).

A great person he was, and great friends we were, though we had many differences and I should’ve never said  ‘Yes’. 

More so, I should’ve seen the signs.

But I had hope, I wanted that love again.

I backed out early. (Very early.)

 I should’ve known it wasn’t right…

I avoided the marriage question like the plague, then  after I said yes I couldn’t pick a date..hmmm..

And I never truly felt comfortable wearing the ring…

How about the fact that we never agreed on anything, we never were looking in the same direction and we parented completely differently  (he had three of his own children).

Arguments got worse – 

Can you say YIKES!?

This time is different…

How do I know?

Because I have done it wrong before and almost done it wrong again….and I can see better now.

Yes, we disagree sometimes, but we agree more often than not. We love, we support, we change and we grow. (None of this was done in my first marriage or my previous engagement.)

Marriage after divorce has to really, really, really be right and by golly, has to be thought about before jumping into it; Happily Ever After doesn’t await you just because you dump the ‘X’ and start over with someone different.

The nightmare continues when you don’t spend enough time on yourself after divorce but think happiness lies in remarrying.

Two years has gone by so fast…and not all of it was easy…and I don’t imagine that all of it will be.

 But we have been together long enough to know if it will work.

We also feel that we have learned about how many of our weaknesses and habits may have contributed to problems in our first marriages so that we do not make the same mistakes again in this one.

So don’t call us crazy…

Instead, wish us luck.

On Sweetest Day of 2011 we will be headed into Holy Matrimony for the second time…

Knowing that it won't be a fairytale but our life together will be worth the work:)

Truly,

Amber

What's Your Song?

Everyone has a song...

Lovers have a song....

Newlyweds have a song....

And Divorces have songs ...

My favorite songs during my divorce were sung by people like Kelly Clarkson, Ashley Simpson, and Destiny's Child's Survivor was a favorite as well. The list goes on and on. 

I realize now, that maybe all of these were not very positive, but music is very motivating and I think everyone can relate to how music helps them get through things.

This next song is probably my favorite of my divorce 'era' music:

 (maybe you can relate)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gCzmEQLE0g

~

What's Your Song???

And does it make you feel positive about moving on?

Truly,

Amber

THE END

Isn't it sad that everything has an end?

Movies have an end.

Stories have an end.

The day begins with the sunrise and inevitably ends with a sunset (or not).

The best ice cream cone has a bottom...

The best of everything sometimes has to come to an end.

Whether we view it as a good thing, or a bad thing...

Is up to us.

What is YOUR new beginning?

And why will it be so wonderful?

Truly,

Amber

Every end has a new beginning. 

~ Proverb

Does Facebook Cause Divorce?

Picture from Facebookcheating.com

So, I was at the bank recently with my smallest child. It was his first time opening a bank account and I’d forgotten some paperwork at home.

Long story short, we sat at the desk of the banker who was opening the new account for us. We had been killing time making small talk until my oldest daughter got home off of the bus to grab the social security numbers out of the safe and call me, so we could then complete the transaction.

The guy behind the desk asked what I did. 

I told him how I have blogs. I like to motivate people, etc. 

He mentioned how one of his clients had been recently working on a positive encouragement website. 

I thought it was a darn good idea. I mentioned how it would be a little less social and a little more focused than Facebook (which I commented that I liked, but for business purposes something else might be more effective). 

He immediately gave me a look as if I’d just swore in church-maybe even worse!

He followed the look with a deep tone, saying, ‘Oooooouuuuuu, my Wife and I DON’T LIKE FACEBOOK’.

I was feeling a little guilty. I hadn’t realized that I’d said something bad and really didn’t mean to insult or strike a nerve. 

Though I could see where he was coming from after he offered more of an explanation.

He began to tell me that he and his wife had known neighbors, co-workers and friends whose marriages had ended in divorce because of Facebook.

Interesting thought though, since I was not personally experiencing anything negative in that way from  MY Facebook and I didn’t know anyone who was.

I must have looked surprised, because he nodded his head and said, ‘Really, Facebook is BAD’.

Ummmm, okay….I can see how Facebook can be addicting (I mean ask me how much time I spend on it and I will probably fudge the actual number of hours I check into my account) but I didn’t quite see how Facebook was single-handedly ruining marriages.

Low and behold, upon some research here are a number of articles claiming Facebook to be the culprit of divorces and demolished homes. Some even used in a court of law:

http://luvemorleavem.com/blog/2011/03/10/facebook-cause-divorce/

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/341vhP/www.newser.com/story/95409/15-signs-youll-end-up-cheating.html

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/facebook/6857918/Facebook-fuelling-divorce-research-claims.html

Correct me if I’m wrong here, isn't it people  who get divorced, not computers and websites?

My thoughts are, if a marriage is going to break up; if it’s going to end in divorce…it doesn’t need Facebook’s help- it’s going to happen no matter what. 

And bottom line on cheating via Facebook?

People don’t need to go online to be unfaithful.

What about all of those people who still aren’t here with us in the technology era???  Hmmm?

Truly,

Amber

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Click here to find out what to do with them:http://www.zazzle.com/funny_cartoon_ex_husband_divorce_humor_mug-168279287489292890

---Okay, so I don't condone violence against your 'X', but some days I am sure you are frustrated enough.---

I understand....

Divorced 5 years and counting....it's no picnic that's for sure....

But try to think positive, have a Fun Friday and smile!

Things can only get better!

 Truly,

Amber

Today is Not Forever

Do you remember that AWFUL splinter you got when you were 5!?
You know the one-when your uncle was building his house and you walked across some boards with your bare feet??

No?

Well you certainly remember that time you had the most DREADFUL stomach virus!? That one which kept you home from school and caused you to miss your baseball game?

No?

Okay...Surely you remember that time you stubbed your toe on the deck of your grandmother's pool on fourth of July when you were 11?

Still No?

I know.

You probably won't be to remember those moments of pain.

It was so long ago.

Pain seems excruciating while we are experiencing it, doesn't it though?
Sometimes the agony seems as if it will never end.

It's like being a 9 year old kid who broke their arm at the beginning of summer.
Not only did it hurt like heck, but MAN does it feel like it's going to be a VERY LONG three months!

The pain of divorce can be much like that.
Long, painful, often unbearable....and seemingly takes FOREVER to get through (and get over).

Well, the bad news is, there's no way out of the discomfort that comes with most most divorces....
The good news is it won't last forever.

I am the type of person who looks for motivation and inspiration every chance I get. (I need it.)
So when I was going through my divorce, my name had changed, and so I ordered new checks.
When I did, I decided to have this little quote printed on my checks: Today is Not Forever.

It reminded me that I was not going to remember many of those painful days in the years to come.

Just like a splinter, a stomach bug or a broken arm, the pain eventually diminishes with time...the wound heals and life seems renewed.

This past Monday was my 5th year anniversary of being divorced (6 if you count the long year of court battles)...and you know, I almost missed realizing what day June 6th was...

I was right....those days didn't last forever...

Truly,

Amber