Sex With My 'X'

Last week, I came across an excellent divorce-advice post and posted about it here on Divorce Dazed. As I read it, I recognized many things I'd either been through in my divorce or had written about in my blogs.

Though as I delved deeper into the post, I found a section on 'sex with your ex'.

It got me thinking. Well, not about sex with my 'X' - well, yes, I guess I so, but not in our married days- more so, sex with him while we were separated (because that's what that part of the post was about specifically).

Funny, how time goes by, and after you are far out of the eye-of-the-storm, you really don't think about those things anymore.

Remarried now, I obviously do not have the need, or desire, to recall sexual encounters with my 'X' so I guess I just forgot about it. But, after reading the post and revisiting the past, I am trying to decide whether the after-separation-sex was actually out of neediness like the blog said or I wonder if it were a part of an honest attempt at reconciliation?

I searched my mind (and the internet) for some more answers. I found these:

If you are the husband, it is probably more about what the husband usually wants: sex and acceptance.
If you are the wife, it is probably more about what the wife wants: feelings and attention.

So, was sex with my 'X' about reconciliation, or the need and desire to have sex?

I'd have to say both, depending on the people.

I know that for me, our post-divorce sex was both for me:
At first it was part of my assumptions of reconciliation. Then, after it was clear at one point that we were clearly never going to be able to work things out, it was just a one-time-event which was convenient for us and worked out time (and need) wise.

So, it didn't mend us, but could sex with the 'X' put it all back together again for others?

I don't know the answer to that question, but I doubt it.

But, if it feels good, and you each understands it's purpose....I say go with it. (Sound ludicrous?) It's not unheard of, most couples get along better when they aren't married anymore and actually, in a book I recently read 'Not My Daughter' by Barbara Delinsky, the main character had sex with her 'X' whenever he came back to town to see his teenage daughter. (They were not married-so there was never a divorce, but they were not a couple anymore and they kept this behavior going for 16 years.)

It's sex. In a marriage it's sacred. In a divorce it's complicated. In this society, just about anything is possible.
It's your relationship and it's your business.

But....


(There's always a but isn't there?)


Before you jump in between the sheets with your 'X', learn more about this decision to find out whether or not it's for you. Sex is a very powerful thing, it can confuse the mind and complicate the relationship, so before you play with fire, make sure you do your homework and know what you're getting yourself into. Also, something to think about: If you are entering this arrangement under the assumption that your 'X' is exclusive to you, there MUST be a certain level of trust.

It's risky business having sex with the 'X'...so be sure it's truly the right thing for you before you do it.

Funny Divorce Movies

Check out this list of funny movies about divorce.

I haven't seen all of the ones listed here, but my favorite one listed is hands down, 

 Liar Liar starring Jim Carrey.

The movie is about a son who makes a wish that his father would stop lying
after he experiences his dad's lies and let downs time and time again.
The boy gets his wish.

FUNNY PART IN THE MOVIE:
Cop: You know why I pulled you over? 
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me! 
Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top? 
Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and *speeding*! 
Cop: Is that all? 
Fletcher: No... I have unpaid parking tickets. 
[groans] 
Fletcher: ... be gentle. 

What's your favorite movie about divorce?

Update: On the Book I'm Reading: A Year and Six Seconds (A Love Story)

isabelgillies.com

Recently, I wrote a post about a book I was reading by Isabel Gillies (who plays Kathy Stabler on L&O: SVU).

In What's Your Divorce Story?, I described how Gillies' divorce is quite different from my own, and after finishing the book, I still have to agree.

 All except for the Kelly Clarkson song, 'Since You Been Gone'.

               That one was right on!

Lighthearted throughout most of her book, she chronicles her journey through the rebuilding process:

• moving out of her dream home in Ohio 
• moving in with her parents in NYC 
• getting the kids into school...

She bares her soul and discusses her hopes:

•  her husband will come and ask her to come home
•  or...her friends will hook her up with a hunk
•  she will re-marry and live happily ever after...

She shares her feelings:

•  heartache
• pain
• confusion

Sounds like divorce alright.

We all have our own break-up story. Each one more intricate than the next. I found it extremely eye opening to view someone else's divorce so intimately.

She states the divorce left behind 'a bloody hole'....

Though Isabel's path was different from my own...it seemed many of the emotions and hurdles afterwards, were the same.

Read A Year and Six Seconds if you are looking for someone to commiserate with, hope with, and cheer on, because she doesn't hold anything back, and she doesn't apologize for it. And though the ending is somewhat bittersweet, I enjoyed this book and think she is one brave woman.

EXCELLENT DIVORCE ADVICE!

I came across a blog post this week. 

IT'S A MUST READ FOR ALL DIVORCEE'S. 

This is a longer one, though it's direct, no nonsense, includes bullet points and 

even covers 'sex with your ex'!

Please check this out. 

Bookmark it if you have to.

Come back and read it later.

Not enough of this advice is out there!

Thanks!

'If you believe that you can damage, then believe that you can fix.' 

~ Rebbe Nachman

That Day Rings a Bell...

The other day I had been searching the internet for something funny for Fun Friday, and as I read a post, I noticed it had the date of September 30th.

At first I thought nothing of it. Then I thought I felt a small little inkling that I should know that date...like it meant something.

I finished reading the post, went back up to the top of the page and there was that date again...September 30th. Staring at me!

Now why did that date ring a bell?

Was it someone's birthday? Had I forgotten to do something that day?

I gave up on it, closed the window and THEN...it came to me!

That had been my wedding date when I was married to my first husband over sixteen years ago! (I've been divorced for 6.)

Yikes!

 I felt so embarrassed. I thought, 'Oops...I guess I should remember that date, huh?'...

Ummmm, nope...why? It's over. We aren't together anymore, and we will certainly never celebrate it again.

It should simply be considered 'just another day'. And that is what it will be...suppose it already is, since I kind of forgot about it...

Just goes to show you time heals......and helps you forget.

(So glad we didn't get married on a holiday!)

Have you forgotten your wedding date? 

If so, how long did it take before you considered it just another day?

Are You Ready for Court?

Personally, I certainly was not ready for court.

I was a mess.

I was mad, I was scared. I felt guilty and clueless. I didn't know where to start and always focused on the moment at hand (including the feelings) rather than looking ahead.

More than once I found myself inside the court for my divorce, and many more times I found myself facing attorneys and my 'X' and not always knowing how to clearly explain what I wanted to say.

It seemed too difficult and frustrating to get my thoughts together, remain focused and keep myself from crying, jumping over the table and strangling someone, or screaming out loud, 'I hate you all!'.

After a few outrageous moments (out of court-thank goodness) I found that I was just too close to the 'subject at hand' to get my thoughts out successfully. The emotional connection to the marriage, the divorce and the kids, was enough to impede all, and anything, I had to say.

It took lots of time, and many suggestions from others, for me to learn the ropes of 'legal' battles.

If you are about to venture into the courtroom for a divorce, or are planning to go back to court, contact me.

I can help you quickly learn how to more effectively communicate your intentions, and desires, so that your attorney will know what to fight for, the judge will be more apt to listen, and your soon to be 'X' will be more inclined to cooperate.

Whether you are representing yourself during the divorce proceedings or have an attorney, contact me to:

• Learn how to improve your communication under stress 
• Focus more on what the court cares about so you get your desires met
• Get assistance writing up formal letters to the court and reviewing those you will be submitting
• Reviewing your potential custody arrangements for weaknesses which could cause future problems

Your divorce is one thing you never want to do alone.

Divorced, But Still Hanging On

The other day I came across this article about a man who's apparently dragging out a lawsuit with a wedding photographer, who supposedly botched the guys wedding photos.

I believe in treating customers with respect and delivering the service you've promised, and if this is not done right, I also believe in certain measures to ensure the customer is reimbursed...but what I don't believe is spending time and stress on what's not important and/or asking for unreasonable compensation.

Missed moments in a wedding can never be regained. The time has passed. The photographers were there for just about the entire wedding, got the most important moments, and from what I can see, the photos didn't come out too shabby.

So, should he just let it go? Maybe, because like the groom's special day, which is long gone (they were married in 2003), likewise, the bride is also gone.

True! They divorced in  2010. This is clearly a very sad case of a husband hanging on too tightly to the past. And, no matter how hard he tries to force the photographer to re-stage the photo shoot and his 'X'-Bride to stand there in her gown. According to Stacy Zaretsky's blog post on AbovetheLaw.com: 'according to (photographers) H & H’s founder, Curt Fried, apparently doesn’t even know where his ex-wife lives ...')

While this man's wedding day might have been the happiest moments in his life, there is nothing he can do to get it back. Honestly, after divorce, there is usually not much that can be done to reconcile.

If you are holding on too tightly to your wedding day feelings...let them go.
The wedding was never the marriage anyways...it was just THE day in the past that you said your vows and partied with friends on. Seriously, it had very little to do with the success or demise of your marriage.

Nothing will get those wedding-day-feelings (or those happy-parts-of-the-marriage) back.

The divorce is real.  It happened.

Tuck the wedding photos away in a drawer for after the wounds have healed...don't try to relive it...just remember it...

Could Friday the 13th Be Your Lucky Day?

I have met many people who absolutely dread this day, and just mentioning 'Friday the 13th' sends shivers up their spines.

As a child I was very superstitious. Maybe it's because I watched 'My Bloody Valentine', 'Happy Birthday to Me',  'Halloween' and our pal Jason, more than a few times as a child....or I suspect it could be because when I was in the third grade I dropped a small pocket mirror in class. It shattered of course, and soon after my parents divorced, and according to me, my life sucked for ummm... about the next thirteen years.

Creepy? A little...it haunted me for my entire childhood and teen years.


Though, now, I am no longer superstitious. (Maybe except for the knock-on-wood thing; hey, it hasn't done me wrong yet.)

I suppose I no longer stress out over superstitions because in my life I have experienced my share of 'bad luck', so I simply just embrace whatever comes, realizing that there's no rhyme or reason (or specific date for that matter) which bad karma represents itself.

Ironically,  Friday the 13th has actually become my favorite day, if not my Lucky Day!
I cannot tell you how many times I have had the most outstanding luck on this supposedly haunted day.
Including, one wicked-hot summer day, when I had to leave my family on our first annual camping trip, to drive back home to go to trial. It would be the first day of a two-day-long battle with my 'X' for custody of our children.

When I walked into courthouse, I could barely stand still, I was shaking so hard. I had no idea how it would all play out. But, by the time I rounded the corner of the hallway, and reached the lobby outside the courtroom, I met the eyes of at least seven outstanding people...they were waiting for me and were the teachers and our doctor, and were all there to support me and my children.

It took three months to find out the results of that trial, but when the final word from the judge came in it truly reminded me, that I would never have anything to fear on Friday the 13th. It was, and would forever be my luckiest day!

Check out these links for a few  Friday the 13th Facts and Superstitions from Fox 8 NY.

For a few more superstitions check this out!

Happy Friday the 13th! 

May it be Your Lucky Day!

Update to Divorce No-No's

There are many a things to be done after divorce, though there are probably many more we should not do, but we do anyways. And, all too often, we tend to learn our lesson after it's been a while, i.e.; when it's too late.

Here is a page on Divorce Dazed which I've updated a bit.

This information can be reached in the future by clicking on the Divorce Don'ts tab

Divorce Don'ts 

(By the way, no matter how much it seems....nothing on this list will make the divorce better...hence why it's successfully made it to the No-No list.)

Healthy Divorcee's say 'No' to the following:

• Blaming your 'X'

• Blaming yourself
• Dating too soon (for starters-before the divorce is final, is too soon)

• Dating online

• Re-marrying too soon (especially to someone you met online)

• Destroying old photos (you will regret this and your kids may hate you for it)

• Badmouthing your X to your children (if you have them-the kids will hate this also)

• Starting every sentence with 'my X' when talking to friends (you're hurt, we get it, now get over it, nobody wants to hear the broken record)

• Searching for a pill or drink that will numb the pain or loneliness you feel (this won''t make it go away, it just creates a whole new problem)

Yes, divorce is ugly and makes you want to get over it A.S.A.P. and with minimal damage. 
It is possible, but it's not easy.

Visit some other posts here on Divorce Dazed, and try to find solace in the fact that many of us have been in the same boat....Divorce is no picnic, for sure. 

But the good news is, as time passes, so will the pain...The sun truly will shine again.

Many wonderful opportunities come to us disguised as bad events.

Don't lose hope.

~'Just when the caterpillar thought that the world was over, he became a butterfly.'~ proverb

What's Your Divorce Story?

I am currently reading a book called 'A Year and Six Seconds' by Isabel Gillies.
For those of you who are Law & Order: Special Victims Unit  fans, she is actually the woman who plays Detective Stabler's wife.

Very intriguing, yet quite funny at times, Isabel recounts her divorce, the roller coaster that proceeds it and the steps she takes to get back to normal with her two young sons.

Her story is very different from my own, but I think that is what it makes the book so interesting. While she is a woman and mother like me, she was divorced by her cheating husband, and was not the divorcee like I was. There are many other differences, including the fact that she was an actress, who had to pretend on camera that she and her husband were divorcing, at the same time that her and her real husband were actually divorcing...wow...if that isn't tough...but, it must have lent easy tears for the part.

 A beautifully written, humorous story, about real-life divorce and the struggle a mother goes through.

I've taken note that the subtitle to the book is: 'A Love Story'. I haven't quite reached that part yet, but it seems that there's a happy ending after these large clouds pass....

Isn't that what we all look forward to?

The silver lining....?

I hope she gets it.

If you were to write about your divorce, what would you name your book?

My divorce title would be: Life Goes On

(The title of Gillies' book means something, to find out what it is, check out the book.)

Fun Friday: Can You Laugh About It?

Some people might criticize me for posting things like this...but I think that if you are far enough in your divorce, there are some things you can laugh about.

This story is one of them. Found on Divorce Jokes, this is really funny and could very well go both ways when it comes to who's making the three wishes.

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she came out in the divorce settlement, when she spies a lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie.

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. Then the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her, because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times what she wishes for.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars.

The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on one billion dollars. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach.

In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish.."Id like to give birth to twins".

What Every Divorcee Needs in The New Year

Divorce can, and will, leave a large hole in a person's life (and in their heart) which often seems as if it might never be filled.

I know this because I've been there before.

It was my choice to divorce my children's father, break up my family, and walk away from a ten year marriage, and I might have been excited about the end of misery and a new beginning, but I was still very angry about the time wasted...and there wasn't one thing I was thankful for, besides the kids.

I felt empty.

On the surface I was hopeful and motivated, but on the inside I was angry and petrified.

It took me a long time to before I realized that divorce was not the end of the world, that it was only the end of a chapter in my life.

Our lives are a series of things...
Of heartaches, heartbreaks, challenges and obstacles, which all help make us more of who we are...

Divorce is just one of those things that must be tackled, succeeded and which we can grow from.

But, to be done, one very important thing is needed, gratitude.

There were many times when I had no hope, no positive outlook, or desire to dream when I was coping with the many struggles of divorce...but I'm amazed at where I am now, how I feel, and what I have accomplished.

To heal, you must be grateful for today... tomorrow...yesterday...and everything in between.

A motto, that during my divorce, I had ordered and printed in the memo section of my checks to remind me that the tough times would pass, was: 'Today is not forever'...You're getting a second chance and this time it will be better.

If you are looking for ways to become more appreciative, try B.A.G., get yourself a journal (even a small flip note book), or post a few gratitude quotes around the house. Be thankful for the gift of life, the friends, family (children), and freedom of choice that you are blessed with.

If it's bad, learn from it and let it go. 

When it's good, no matter how small, cherish it.