Divorce Is Not Prejudice

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Remember Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres? They got together in 1997 and then split around 2000.
I liked both of them, separate and as a couple. I don't quite know what Anne Heche is up to but I know what Ellen is doing and I still think she is the bomb. She's funny, she's real and just seems like a great person.


I wrote on Yellow Inspiration recently, that in my eyes, those who are gay, bi sexual or 'straight', all should have the same right to marry whomever they choose.

I've supported gay marriage for a long time, but until recently, I hadn't really thought much about gay divorce.
When two people are in love, I support marriage, and because I never want to see anyone miserable...I support divorce.

With more and more same sex couples gaining the legal ability to tie the knot I wonder...will they enter into the bliss that many of us divorcee's have experienced...and then end up like us?? A statistic...

Most likely it's much too soon to tell, but will gay couples reach the 50% divorce rate like heterosexual couples have? Will it be because it was easy to wed? Or will they succeed better than we did because they had to fight for it?

Though I think that it might be a little pollyanna-ish and quite fantasy-like - but I have a ton of hope that maybe these newly married gay couples know something straight couples don't....

But in Anne and Helen's case you might say that Anne was to blame for the breakup because she wasn't being true to herself. And considering she went on to marry a man after Ellen, and have a baby, maybe she was pretending a little; trying on the lesbian hat so to speak. I cannot vouch for her.

Regardless of what sex you are, and what your sexual preferences are, divorce is not prejudice. Relationships end because two people decide not to work it out. (Though, as a note, if either partner is not being genuine, you'll end up divorced someday anyways.) Rule #1: to enter into a relationship and pretend to be someone you're not is dangerous and it's the first (of many) nails in the coffin, and is probably why so many divorces do happen. (Donald Trump had once said, 'Evey one will prove to be who they are eventually'...and it's the truth.)

So, if that were the case for them...how about Sara Gilbert and her mate?  Another one bites the dust I guess. I don't know their story, but it is probably another sad, confusing one, I'm sure. They have two children together. It's just like being married, then divorced.

I just wonder, will those who were not afforded matrimonial rights previously, and fought for them, find more peace and happiness in their marriages? Or will some of them reach misery and heartache, as I, and many others have, who've had these rights all along?

And will it be difficult for them to obtain a divorce?

In any event, Divorce Dazed is here for them if they ever need it...

Truly,

Amber

Growth Through Divorce

National Geographic

Not often do we appreciate the growth we encounter during divorce.

Nine times out of ten, it's because we are resentful and wish it had never happened.

Not every divorce can be easy, but take solace in the fact that when we are done with this awful journey, there will be a reward at the end; a rebirth of who we are.

I have a quote on the home page of Divorce Dazed.
It has to do with the butterfly and it says, 'Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, he became a butterfly.'

Divorce makes us lose the person we once were (or thought we were). It thrusts us into a new persona and a new life...and not everyone is comfortable with that. Why can't we see that it's a chance to start over and become anew? And it might just be the best 'us' we've ever been.

Don't give up and don't focus on the past life you've lived..but look upon the new horizon and appreciate every tear, every hurdle and every struggle, because the BEST YOU is yet to come.

National Geographic

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." - Maya Angelou

Truly,

Amber

If it's any consolation...

"After divorce, an ex-spouse is like an inflamed appendix. 

They cause a lot of pain and suffering. But, after it's removed, 

you find you didn't need it anyway!" - Author Unknown

Kick that Email Address to the Curb!

When you were married to your 'X' did you two have a cutesy little email address which had a 'Bennifer' likeness? Or, maybe it was like TomKat or Brangelina....

Your name + his name = a new email address.

Maybe you name is Betsy and his name is Tom, so your email address became BetsTom@something.com.
Or, your name is Rachel and his is Jerry and your email is JerrRach2@somewhere.com?

These are completely made up email addresses, but when I was married, we also had an email which was a combination of our names and our kids' names...and maybe there was a year after it as well, I don't recall.

Either way, after the divorce, I changed mine to my reflect my own name only.

It's possible that you might be holding onto a joint-name-email address because it isn't that obvious it's yours and your spouses names...it could just be each of your initials + your anniversary date.

Fine, I get it, there's sentimental value and hey, nobody really knows what it stands for anyways....

Well, think about this... all of your friends, family and co-workers probably know it's yours and your 'X's names in combination...annnnnnd....

It's baggage. Yes, it's baggage. The relationship is over, so that email address has got to go.

Each time you send or receive an email you will be torturing yourself. And like me, I am sure you are inundated with junk-email-blasts hundreds of times a day.

So, there's no sense in reliving the past every time you get spammed.
It's OVER! Start fresh! Send that email address to cyber heaven and MOVE ON!

Truly,

Amber

You Deserve to Be Happy

Since I was very young, I have always thought that my life was a gift, given to me to live the way I choose. 

I will not regret... and I refuse to live my life unhappily...

Do not be sad today because your marriage has ended, find hope because because you are free...free to live the way you want and free to be content with your own desires and dreams...

Without anyone, or anything, holding you back.

'I don't think it's bad to get divorced. I think it's more unhealthy to have miserable lives. We weren't put here to live miserably, we were put her to grow and learn and be happy.' - Ginger Wynn

Truly,

Amber

A Letter Between an 'X' Husband and 'X' Wife (Hysterical!!)

 I found this letter posted by the administrator of a blog called Divorce Jokes: A must-read!!!


Dear Wife:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me, or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister Carla and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!

Response

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with Carla, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that she had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell and Free

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

(So Funny I just had to share!)

Truly,

Amber

I Wonder Sometimes About Divorce Bloggers

This weekend I decided to (once again) look for some inspiring divorce blogs to share with you. To no avail…I found nothing. 

Nothing I’d want anyone to read on a regular basis, nor anything you should be reading if you're divorced.

They are a perfect example of how ‘not to move on after divorce’. I can only hope they have by now, will soon.

The things that I wonder about negative divorce bloggers is :

A) What possesses them to do this?

B) What do they think they will gain? 

C) Don’t they understand that negative venting is hurting them?

True, most divorcees are bitter...I have not met many who (newly split) are not.

They will walk around bitching about their ‘X’ (and in some cases the 'X' is that much of a *#@! ) but... instead of moving on they stay in negative fog. 

Don't they understand this is not the way to get on with their life???

I started my Divorce Dazed blog because after a divorce we can seem out of sync with ourselves and life. And it takes a while to get back into the swing of things. 

I wanted to share the thoughts and actions that helped me through my mess.

And I hope it helps someone else.

Here is an example of a blog I found: (I have included the link if you really want to visit there...I don't recommend staying there...as I hope she won't either).

Diary of My Divorce -In a nutshell, I married Rick Kelso, he cheated on me, hit me and took the car with him leaving me stranded and to fend for myself while I had cancer and needed him the most. I spent most of my adult life on him and all I got was this stupid computer. It all started... 

 (And that is just the tagline-Yikes)

If you ever notice that Divorce Dazed isn't positive, tell me, because I want to be a helper in your healing...not an enabler in your *!@#-Fest.

Truly,

Amber

Did You Marry Your Parent?

I did. 

Then I divorced him.

Of course, you know I’m not talking about my father-father…

But, I am talking about my ‘X’, who was a lot like my father.

Growing up I was a follower, not the leader type. I did what Dad told me. I tried to follow all of the rules and my goal was to obey. 

During my teen years I sort of swayed away from it (what kid doesn’t?).

Eventually, I combined the two ways of life and became a pretty strong, happy, independent young woman.

Enter my ‘X’. 

He was very much like my father, just a whole lot sweeter (at the time).

After a couple of years together, a marriage and a baby…I became the follower again. His persona was dominating and before I knew it, I wasn’t making much of my own choices in life anymore.

I was even being told how I felt, or didn’t feel…just like Daddy used to do.

I’d become passive, he’d become stronger, and I no longer was independent.

I’d married my father.

And I would not know it for many many years later…after my divorce.

Psychologists for years have been claiming that when choosing a mate, we gravitate towards what we know, whether we realize what we are doing, or not, and whether it’s healthy for us, or not.

We want the familiar. We want comfort.

And whether or not our familiar was ‘broken’ or ‘dysfunctional’, it is what it is, and it becomes what we desire and therefore soon becomes what we have.

As I get older I admire the wonderful qualities that my father has.
He is a good listener, has a tender heart, and always reaches out to help. 

These traits might not have been so obvious to me as a kid. 

Or the other traits may have been more over powering.

Either way..

We cannot go back into our past marriage and fix it…or change who we married, but we can review what our marriage was like before divorce, identify those traits the ‘X’ probably have that Mom or Dad may have had which could've been unhealthy…

Then stay as far away from that in the future as possible…so as to not repeat the process.

Check out some of these links below for similar articles and more detailed information and maybe also share your experiences to help others.

Did you marry (and divorce) your parent? When did you realize it? 
How did you realize it, and what did you, or are you doing to ensure a healthier relationship next time?

Truly,

Amber

Book Resources:

Yikes…couldn’t find any…not worth mentioning. If you find any on this topic, please share.

Links to relevant articles:

Why You Are More Likely to Marry Your Parent

Did You Marry Your Father?

Like Father Like Husband

Celeb Dirty Laundry

With so much media coverage, we probably think we know every detail about celebrity divorcees and their dirty laundry…

But do we, really?

Take this Quiz and find out.