Welcome to Fun Friday

On my two other blogs I've declared Fun Fridays!!!
It's a day to just 'be'....
A day to break away from thinking, and concentrating, on serious stuff.
A time to find the humor...if at all possible.

Enjoy-

Truly,

Amber

This is our first Fun Friday on Divorce Dazed 

I chose a few quotes that might crack a smile....

'Getting divorced just because you don't love (someone) is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.' - Zsa Zsa Gabor

                                     

“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.”  Helen Rowland quotes (English-American writer, 1876-1950)

"Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck.  If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left."Jean Kerr

''Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers". – Gerard Lieberman

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” ~ Groucho Marx

“I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.  Elayne Boosler

Divorce as birth control?

Being divorced with children can be great birth control for your kids.

When your child sees you as a single parent-doing lots of tasks alone-they are able to see what being a parent really entails.

Your kids may see you financially burdened or physically exhausted. (Because as a single parent this sometimes happens.)

They might witness Mom struggle with finances and Dad struggle with balancing priorities or vice versa.

My daughter is 13 and she has already said, repeatedly, ‘I do not want kids’. She is a fabulous big sister and is super with all kids, but has watched her mother and father be single parents and so she has seen that being a parent is not as easy as it looked like when Mom and Dad were together.

Sure, she is only 13 and may change her mind, and that’s all well and good, but for now she is in no rush.

Ideally, children of divorce will see sides of parenthood they aren’t interested in, helping them to put off sex and  matrimony for the latter years.

We can only hope.

Truly,

Amber

Teaching Children That Royal Weddings Don't Equal Successful Marriages

With the impending Royal Wedding coming up I thought this would be a good time to talk about my nuptials!

As we know, traditionally most marriages take place with some form of a wedding and its a billion dollar industry in which I’ve been on both sides of. 

I’ve worked in a bridal shop as a seamstress and sales consultant and I have also been the future bride. (Working in a bridal salon while you're going through a divorce can be an eye opening experience.)

My first marriage was in 1995. The girls in my bridal party wore matching amethyst (purple) dresses and carried irises. I wore an amazing seven layer, tulle, gown, fit for a princess. I carried an arm of white Calla Lilies and The dress had a cathedral length train which was detachable and I just remember it being so gosh-darn-heavy that I couldn’t wait to get it off! Our invitations were complete with matching colors and donned the royal coach and castle with a ‘dreams really do come true’ theme… 

It seems often times when a young bride and groom marry, especially when it’s their first marriage, they often glamorize the event. 

My ex and I were only 23 and 22 respectively and though it was not a big wedding, you can see that we certainly got ‘caught up’ in it. He was just as involved as I, right down to choosing the cake knife and addressing the invitations.

After all that planning we tied the knot in an outdoor ceremony, on a warm September day, where we read our own personalized vows to one another underneath my in-laws-pear trees.

My fiancée, who I am with today, did something similar in his 20’s, as well (I’m sure it was with less involvement) but he also married his young bride, had a beautiful day, but ended up with a not so beautiful marriage.

(A perfect wedding is never a guarantee of a perfect marriage. And how could it be? I know that now, because I am divorced. Lucky me, divorce is great insight into relationships.)

I now have three children from my first marriage and I wasn't sure I wanted a wedding, but obviously the kids wanted to be a part of the special day in the form of a wedding, and we also wanted our family and friends to witness it, so we've decided that we will be celebrating it this way….but…

My challenge is to plan this event without glamorizing it, so that my young daughters will not confuse weddings with marriage.

Most little girls dream, and there is no way for them to not be excited about pretty dresses and the stuff surrounding a wedding…but I don’t want to encourage them. 

I do not want them to see me planning and shopping for a dress and think, ‘That’s what I want to do in life: get a pretty white dress, get married and be a Princess for a day... then live happily ever after. It looks so easy.’ 

Many adults know, clearly, that marriage is anything but easy, but to a young girl, watching a wedding, it appears easy, and totally glamorous.

Remember Princess Di’s wedding to Prince Charles? 

(We are about to repeat history. Hopefully just the ratings and not the divorce.)

I would like to do my best to ensure that my daughter’s see past the glitz and glam of my wedding because the reality is, it doesn’t matter how good you look on that day; if your relationship doesn’t have what it takes, or you aren’t secure in yourself, there will be no such thing as Happily Ever After. 

So how do we have a wedding without glamorizing it and sending our children the wrong message? 

1. Talk about the promise we are about to make to one another and what it means
2. Explain how the wedding is a day to publicly promise our love and commitment 
3. Talk about our faith, God’s hand and his blessing and how they are a part of this wedding and marriage 
4. Remind children that marriage is hard work, and does not stop after the wedding
5. Keep wedding magazines, bridal shows and the like out of focus. Good resources, but we do not need to spend a lot of time with them-My girls have not attended a bridal show and they will not, when it comes to my wedding 
6. Don’t talk too much about the ‘details’ of the wedding, instead focus on the relationship and the reasons for marriage 
7. Make shopping for dresses a simple, non-glamorous outing by personally focusing on what you want before you go, don’t take the kids to the dress shops with until you’ve chosen the one for yourself…parading around in multiple dresses looks fun and glamorous to many young girls and will create the desire to do the same 
8. When it’s their turn (if they are in the wedding) help them find the best fit and most comfortable dress, don’t make a fashion show out of it…explain that the dress shopping is merely to look for appropriate attire for the event

Don’t take this as a suggestion to shield your excitement about your big day. (We are all very excited about our October wedding, but just try to make sure that they aren't mislead to thinking that it’s all about the party, rather than the commitment and reason behind the wedding.

Marriage is a serious commitment....is hard work and is just the beginning and no matter how lovely the wedding turns out it is not a Guaranteed Arrival to Happily Ever After....

Just ask the Royal Family.

Truly,

Amber

Spring Break = Dates

It’s Spring Break and the kids are with their Dad in a different state.

I have three children; they are 13, 9 and 6. They are great kids.

I’ve been with them their whole lives. They even lived with me after the split. But about a year and a half after the divorce I moved out of state and we ended up with split-custody. 

It was always difficult letting them go…it always made me so sad.

I used to hate it when they left, I was always sick over it and I thought I would never get used to them spending time away from me.

It’s getting a little bit better now. Not only do they live with me full time again, but you see, my fiancé has been with us for a year and a half and does not have his own children. We work very hard day in and day out as parents...so it is an adjustment for him.

I have to say, he handles it very well. Better than I would have ever imagined… The children never go without. He is there through sicknesses, school events, homework and dish duties … 

Sometimes I think he was born a natural father…but ssssshhh…don’t tell him I said that;)

The point I am getting to, is that when the kids are away I’ve begun to accept it as a good thing.

I’ve realized it’s mine and my fiancé’s  time to date more, talk more,  and do the things grownups find it hard to do when children are around, if you know what I mean.

 It makes me think about how I might not have prioritized dating my ‘X’ when we were married.

A mistake I don’t want to make in this relationship.

So, for Spring Break my fiancé and I have been considering it our Spring Break as well.

We have spent time having uninterrupted conversations, eating dinner at 9 pm if we want, going out with friends and leaving the house whenever we please.

It’s just a week and it will go by fast, for all of us. So, we might as well think positively…

The time allows the children to bond with their father and other family, visit a different state and climate, and relax and enjoy their vacation.

It allows us to get the break from being parents and invest time our relationship without taking away time from the kids.

What will you do for yourself the next time the kids go to your ‘Xs’?

Truly,

Amber

Under Construction! (Aren't most divorcees?)

Stay with me, I'm working on the rest of the details; you know, the meat n' potatoes for the rest of this wonderful divorce support blog.

I was married young, divorced in my early 30's after 10 years of marriage. I am approaching my 5 yr. Divorce Anniversary and have begun creating this site to help others  who are dealing with divorce.

Divorce Dazed is dedicated to divorcee's who are truly interested in repairing the road ahead.

This is not a gripe-site. This is not a blog about anyone's misery.
This is not a place to vent and it is absolutely not a place to unload complaints about X's.
You will not find legal advice here.

THIS IS A PLACE TO GROW.
Divorce Dazed is a PLACE TO LEARN and A PLACE TO EXPERIENCE OUR DIVORCE FOR WHAT IT IS:

'A PART OF OUR LIVES WE CANNOT CHANGE, BUT CERTAINLY SOMETHING WE CAN LEARN FROM.'

Thank you for visiting!
Please return again in a couple of days. Things will be added frequently until we are rolling full swing!

Until then, read my story and leave a comment for me or any suggestions.

Thanks!

Truly,

Amber