Wednesday, November 30, 2011

What We Can Learn From Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries


After divorce we can all usually look back and see a few things we could have done differently, or a couple of red flags that we ignored.

It's all bad...
But when you are in the 'honeymoon phase' you don't always see them...and often choose to ignore them.

Seems to me that Kim and Kris are probably at this pass, where they look back and say, 'what was I thinking?'.

The top 3 things I think they did wrong?

1. They didn't live together first (how do you truly know somebody if you don't?)
2. They let Kim's little sister and child live under the same roof as them. (This is right up there with working with relatives and most companies have policies against it, for a reason!) I mean they were newlyweds coming home to her sister and baby living with them...I don't think that is a good idea for any newlyweds.
3. They didn't call it quits prior to walking down the aisle (for 'whatever' reason).

The one thing they did right?

 ***Get Divorced!***

Now, if someone would just cancel their show so they can get on with their lives.

What did you do in your honeymoon phase which you now know was a mistake? Did you see any red flags?



Monday, November 28, 2011

Was the Time Invested in Your Marriage Wasted After Divorce?

Ten years seems like forever.
That's how long my first marriage was.

For the longest time after my divorce I would look back at those ten years and curse them (literally)...and curse myself as well.

I'd felt I'd 'wasted' so much time on that relationship. I was resentful that I'd never be able to get that time back and the only thing I was grateful for were the children we had from the marriage.

Whether you've spent one, two, ten, twenty-five or forty  years married, and then get a divorce, chances are you will automatically feel like those years have been thrown away in the trash, never to be regained.

Well, part of that is true.

None of those years can be relived. But none of them should be viewed as a waste. Ever.

Those years were full of growing, learning, and having experiences you never would have had without that relationship. There is a lot to be taken away from that. (Both good and bad.)

We should never squander our  precious present on regrets, woulda's, shoulda's, or coulda's.....
That is a terrible use of time and a negative way to live. It's only going to make us feel worse.
(Ask me how I know...)

But it can be very easy to get caught up in it, get angry, and tell ourselves 'what was I thinking?' being with that person if it wasn't gong to work out....

I can tell you, that it makes no difference how long you spent together, how many anniversaries you shared or how many vacations you took or places you lived together....it wasn't a waste....

But, it's over now.
 And looking forward is what will benefit you to most...not looking back.


After six years of divorce, I can now see that ten years was only a small sliver of my life and that the best years, the best of my life is right now, right in front of me, and that there is plenty more to look forward to.

I like Dr. Phil's advice. He's always offers straight up, with no fluff. Sometimes he can give a hard pill to swallow, but boy, he always hits the mark.

Read some of his tips  about moving on after divorce.

 "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it 'The Present'." attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt “

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

What is there to be Thankful for After Divorce?



With Thanksgiving just around the corner, the theme everywhere seems to be 'appreciation and gratitude'.


The devastation which is left behind after divorce
can take it's toll...


 With tornadoes of emotional pain, constant hurricanes of financial issues and floods of unwanted stress, we often wonder how we're supposed to find gratitude amongst this ugly mess we call divorce.


Sure, over time, things do get better, but if it's just the beginning, or it's taking a while for things to fall into place, it can be a challenge to find that grateful spirit so many push during this time of year.

Thanksgiving is a holiday geared around family traditions...and if you are divorced, your old traditions may only be with you in memory...

Some people may not realize how much divorce uproots a persons life.

Although my divorce has been over for six years, it never really goes away. I have children with my 'X' and so I must interact with him more often than I'd like...and yes, yes, I know, I should try to be friends...believe me, I've been there and I tried that for a while...no takers on the other end so it is a very separate relationship...

No Demi Moore and Bruce Willis fantasy here.... I suppose it's simpler this way.

But, that isn't really my biggest challenge.

It's actually finding out what I should be thankful for this week, when starting last year, my children and I will never spend another Thanksgiving together until they are eighteen (or older).

Hmmmmm............

Well, what would any divorced person be thankful for on Thanksgiving?

This is what I came up with (for starters):

1. My children are lucky enough to have a father who wants to spend time with them
2. My children are also lucky to have step-siblings they enjoy spending time with when they are there
3. I have them on Halloween, half the summer and every other Christmas and every other day of the year besides spring break!!!    That is something to be grateful for!!!!!
4. A warm home
5. Good health
6. Clean, running water
7. The right to choose, vote, speak my opinions and practice my religion
8. Love
9. Life
9. The freedom to divorce ;)
10. Second chances
11. The opportunity to rebuild

...Not to mention a mini-vacation from being Mom....

You can see that even with the divorce, I still have plenty to be thankful for.

So this Thanksgiving, consider your divorce 'an inconvenience to appreciate' because not everyone gets a second chance to build a new life, or rebuild at all...


Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.  ~ Brian Tracy
After Every Natural Disaster....Somehow People Always Find the Courage to Rebuild

What are You Thankful for???

Thursday, November 17, 2011

When Your Cell Phone's Spell Check Fails

Recently this happened to me, except I was texting a friend about my recent wedding.
I'd asked her if she would be coming early to the rehearsal party and my phone spell checked it as 
'reversal party'
YIKES! 
Be careful out there, 
Spell check has a mind of it's own!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

How Do You Know If The Guy/Girl You Are Dating Will Be a Great Step-Parent?

I have many theories of how you will know if a boyfriend/girlfriend would make an acceptable step parent, but it would take me a while to explain my thoughts (all of which I plan on sharing in my divorce book!) but until then, I try to share what nuggets of great advice I find...and here is some on this topic:


Monday, November 14, 2011

A Healthy Divorce Article


Anyone whose ever read my blog knows how much I talk about bad divorce blogs and bad divorce advice.
You might have also heard me say how difficult it is to find something about divorce worth reading, but after much searching this weekend, I found something!

This is a very smart article that I just had to share it with you! A few of the things mentioned you may have already heard me say, but there are definitely some you haven't.

So, click here to read some really great divorce advice and let me know what you think. (Anything that says he, can often be switched to she and vice versa, since much of the advice is universal.)

Friday, November 11, 2011

Funny Quote About Celeb Divorce



“In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of publicity.”
~Lauren Bacall

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Crying Over the Divorce



Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears, so that we can see life with a clearer view again. - Alex Tan

Monday, November 7, 2011

Poster Child for Divorce

 A story for you:

The week my divorce was final...Which was a year to the day I made the 'D'ecision.
'One summer day a stay-at-home-mom of three (all under the age of eight), and who home schooled her two oldest, decided to divorce her husband. They had a newly built home, no money in the bank and debt up to their eyeballs. She had a hefty car payment, employment skills which hadn't been updated in years because she'd been nursing pregnancies and raising little ones, while working from home. With no family to speak of locally who could help her, it appeared from the outside (and from her then-husband's point of view), that she didn't have a leg to stand on, a pot to @#%& in, or a place to go.'

'It's true, she didn't. But she still asked for a divorce.....'

That's the beginning of my divorce story.

I'd like to say I knew what I was doing back then...but I didn't. Even today, I have to really think hard to remember the initial leap and what I was expecting to happen. After a few minutes, I do find it... the reason I called it quits, and what my expectations were.

The Reason: Desperate for self-preservation and to escape the emotional abuse and camouflaged control.

My Expectations: Freedom, good health, independence and happiness.

I didn't have enough sense to think about what was next...I just did what I had to do...

It amazed me...with the amount of mental, physical and financial hell it cost me, I still seemed to somehow become the poster child for divorce amongst people I knew.

I never understood that.

They would say it was because I was brave enough to do it, and that I seemed okay after all of it.

I wasn't comfortable with the admiration...I hadn't felt brave. And actually, I felt rather stupid.

It probably wasn't the wisest idea; going into a divorce without a plan, because some days all I could do was cry, some days I just prayed. Sometimes I cursed, sometimes I messed up, and many days I thought about giving up. But I kept on pushing forward....and finally somehow made some headway in rebuilding myself and my life.

In my eyes, divorcing my husband had absolute nothing to do with courage. It had everything to do with survival.

'Okay, yes, I'm divorced and now I'm happy'. And 'Yes, it worked out for me in the end' .' 'But, no, I didn't want to have to take that step and it was painful as hell... and you shouldn't have to go through it either...if you can help it.'

When people come to me about being miserable in their own marriages I try to guide them back in the other direction. They don't always listen to me, and I guess sometimes they shouldn't...

So, now when someone asks, 'Should I get a divorce?',  My new advice to them is this:
You'll know when it's over. Just like I did. And like me, you probably won't have any idea what to do, but you will 'just do it'. You'll think about it, you'll try your hardest to talk yourself out of it, you will do what's right and try to make things work and when nothing works and you are exhausted and still miserable...(which is what happened to me after ten years of marriage), one day you will say...'that's it...we are getting divorced' and nothing will change your mind.

I know that just like when you will know somethings right, you will also know when it's not.

If this happens to you, it's okay, I'm here, and I understand. I will help guide you..(hence why I blog Divorce Dazed.

But, before then, seek everything in your power to preserve what is left in your marriage...

You don't want to live with regret.

You may not have time to plan. You may not have the sense to organize or strategize...I didn't...

Looking back, it does seem kind of crazy, and so yes, I recommend having a plan...it could make things much easier...

I suppose I it turned out alright, I certainly do not regret it, and since then I've actually decided to get re-married....

Which is now making me the poster child for 'Hope'.....

I guess that's a good thing....



Friday, November 4, 2011

Divorce Parties: In or Out?

Let's Celebrate!

Apparently these folks decided to throw a party for their divorce...together!
Wow! Imagine that!!!

My new husband and I were recently invited to one similar to this.
It was a Halloween/Divorce Party.

I can't picture throwing a divorce party with both my 'X' and myself as guests of honor,
I can imagine the party though....
It's a pretty exhilarating feeling for most when all that garbage the past is behind you.

Very much like a reception party after a wedding ceremony, it seems like the way to go I guess....

I just don't know where it stands on the etiquette scale.

To Party or Not To Party?

Did you have a Divorce Party?
If you didn't... would you go back and have one?


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Another One Bites the Dust




And I'm not referring to another celebrity couple like Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries heading to divorce court.

I mean, another couple who was dating, has ended their relationship.

So what?
It happens all the time you say?

True. It does, and it's not unusually abnormal or tragic when a couple splits up after dating...

But the difference is, one of the parties I'm referring to had been divorced for just less than a year.

Makes me wonder.
What makes us think we should jump back into the dating scene after divorce?
And what makes us think we have to?

I was not ready at all when I began dating after my divorce. I actually did the biggest no-no, I started dating before the divorce was final. (I can hear the ooooo's and ahhhhhhh's now....but I hate to tell you that I'm not the only one- I am actually the majority.)

My soon-to-be-'X'-husband was quite angry at the time, the new guy in my life soon realized he'd swallowed a nasty little pill, and we all eventually wound up heartbroken.

Dating anyone who is separated should be illegal.

Dating while separated should be illegal.

Dating anyone when your divorce is still new, is always a very bad idea...

...It isn't illegal, but ought to be.

Too many people get more screwed up in the process.

So many divorcees feel the need to get back out there, but when they do, they find out that the dating scene has changed quite a bit, and they end up realizing (hopefully, before they get married just-out-of-the-gate to the rebound) that they aren't ready for it.

While I certainly feel divorcee's should eventually involve themselves with a partner again because it's good to learn how to be in a relationship again... I do not recommend they try it until a full has passed from the  date the divorce becomes final and NEVER while they are still married...

People do this all the time and it always leads to unnecessary messiness.
I was not ready for dating, and I read books, prayed, and worked on myself in many ways during my separation. It didn't matter, I was still not ready for the work and energy of a new relationship, the flood of emotions from a new romance, or the processing of, and the leaving behind, of the baggage.

Divorce recovery, and re-entering the dating world, is a time honored process.

No one should attempt to do it in record time.

How long did you wait to get back into dating?
How did it go?