Redneck Divorce

I knew there were a lot of Red Neck references out there...Had no idea about this one!

Does Divorce Affect Your Weight?

I was reading this article recently at DivorceMagazine.com that featured a study done by Ohio State University. The article's title claimed divorce can cause dangerous weight gain.

I don't know if that's actually true or not, considering it's just a 'study', but most times I've seen where the trend appears to be the opposite... divorcee's seem to get skinnier after their marriages end.

With the stress of the divorce, the rush of swapping kids (if we have them), doing the chores alone, the sudden shock of being by ourselves...not having anyone to cook for or eat routine meals with... most times divorcees end up shedding pounds.

For me, I did gain some weight after my divorce. But I was under weight most of my marriage; I think  due to depression and anxiety, so for me, the weight gain was welcome. On the other hand, my 'X' lost weight after our split, and ended up thinner than when we first met. That eventually changed after he remarried several years ago.

Though post-divorce-weight-loss most times will make a person appear healthier to the outside world... all too often, the loss is most likely due to stress, and is not a result of  eating healthy or practicing a good fitness routine...

Did divorce affect your weight? How?

Truly,

Amber

Divorce Court Revisited

Who would've thought that five years later, when I'm about to enter a new marriage (at a time when I'd like to forget about my divorce) I'm forced to dig it up...

As a divorcee applying for a marriage license, I'm required to provide a registered copy of my original divorce decree from the court that issued it.

So, not only did I have to send a letter to my home state of Connecticut requesting my papers from the court, but my fiancee had to do the same.

His arrived the other day...mine is en route.

Three weeks before your wedding, the last thing you want on your mind is your 'X', your divorce, and your wedding with them...etc., etc., etc. 

It's unfortunate that I have to go through this step...

But then again, it's very thought provoking....

I can look at this inconvenience two ways...

Divorce still sucks, which it does...and I will never escape it, which I probably won't...

Or

Jumping through this last hoop can help me ask myself some serious questions:

1. Is this relationship ALL right?
2. Does it have ENOUGH potential?
3. Am I up up for the rest of the challenge???

Once you're far enough away from your divorce, it's much easier to put it out of your head as often as possible..and even forget the troubles that happened within the marriage.

That is, until you decide to re-marry...

Then, suddenly, you realize you've been here before...it was fun, romantic and full of hope...just as it is now.

Then you painfully remember it didn't go very well last time....

I'm not going to lie...it's a little scary.

But fear has to make way for hope....as cliche as that seems.

If I walk around for the rest of my life assuming that love and life will always be as horrifying as my divorce...how will I ever move on?

At some point I had to stop hating and distrusting, and start loving....

I've been divorced. I've seen marriage at it's best...and I've also seen it at it's worst...

So what makes me think I can do it better now?

Well...
I'd hope that the journey through it all has taught me enough to help make this marriage last.
I'd hope that admitting I chose the wrong mate the first time would help me choose the right one this time...And I'd hope that the maturity and realistic views of life and love would allow me the patience, acceptance, courage and strength to love unconditionally until the very end...and expect nothing less in return.

Divorce should not be the cloud that forever shadows our outlook on the future....nor should it be the only thing that we think about every day...

I've been there and done that....it's surely a miserable existence.

Truly,
Amber

Time for a Change

It's the first day of Fall and not everyone is happy about it. 

Fall brings change, and not everyone likes change.

I understand.

Leaves turn brown and fall off trees, leaving them bare and unattractive. Flowers wither away and die, making gardens and roadsides bland. Summer shops and activities close down, leaving patrons searching for other sources of fun...It's not pretty.

Divorce can force changes on us too... and I know first hand that it's never pretty.

We might have to move, change jobs, share custody of children, look in the mirror at who we are, and re-evaluate everything we've ever thought.

But, while these changes don't always feel good, they actually can be. Too often we focus on the negative aspects of things; desperate for summer to stay and in denial about saying goodbye to our marriage, we can miss the beauty of the present.

Fall gives us fresh, clean, cool air, and sounds and smells we cannot experience at any other time of the year. It also offers us beautiful colors, and exciting festivities which can bring us happiness...

Likewise, divorce can give us new things to look forward to, like strength, opportunity and freedom.

It's not all bad.

We just need to stop, let go of what was, and we might be able to appreciate what is, and what could be.

We can't control the seasons, the weather or the past...but we control our view of it. 

Change as a gift, try to see it as that.

Truly,

Amber

Positive Divorce Support

The internet is a big place.

It has a lot of resources...though when seeking solace during divorce,  there's a plethora of sites.

But, I have never found much in the way of positive ones. There are a few scattered here, and there, and I try to share them when I find them.

Being that today is International Peace Day (I hope you didn't forget your challenge...)
I want to share this website with you.

Unlike many sites out there which are either negative, depressing, full of angst and revengeful ideas, or are published by attorney's teaching you tips to swindle your 'X'....this one is full of peace.

It is full of hope and clear headed thinking, forgiveness and love.

It's called Divorce Hope.

If you come across positive divorce websites, blogs or articles, please come back and share their link in the comments section.

Divorce Sucks...we need all the (encouraging) help we can get.

Truly,

Amber

Try Peace

International Peace day is Wednesday and I have a challenge for you.

It will truly be the most difficult challenge that you might ever have.

I'm going to ask you to be nice to your 'X'.

Smile. 

Bite your tongue (usually one of the most difficult).

Let a comment or antagonistic comment just roll of your back. 

Don't bark back and don't instigate.

Peace day. 

Just for one day. 

Hasn't the road been rocky enough? 

If you are in constant contact with your 'X' it might be difficult to get along, (I mean, after all, isn't that the reason why you got divorced...because you couldn't be nice to each other?). 

Send them a good morning message. Take them out to coffee. Let them have the kids for a few extra hours or maybe an extra day.

Seem crazy? 

Maybe...

But who is the bigger one? 

The one who can stomp, and act like a two-year-old, 

or the one who is kind and doesn't get involved in the drama? 

Will kindness bring fairness? 

No, sometimes it will not. But if your 'X' is usually level headed and kind, but is unusually irritated, and angry, because of the divorce, it may just take one act of kindness, one day of Peace, for them to relax and be kind in return.

Per the International Peace Day Website: 'International Day of Peace is also a Day of Ceasefire – personal or political. Take this opportunity to make peace in your own relationships as well as impact the larger conflicts of our time. Imagine what a whole Day of Ceasefire would mean to humankind. 

Peace breeds Peace. 

Try it. What have you got to lose?

Facebook Divorce Site

Check out this Divorce Page on Facebook.

I'm Divorced , So Why Get Re-Married?

I am engaged to be married.
The wedding is in about a month...
And this is a question that has been raised to me recently.

'You're divorced!?....
So, WHY do you want to get re-married?'

In so many words, they'd reminded that I'd already been through Hell...(meaning divorce)...
So why would I 'consciously' go through it again?

My answer was a blank stare, then a laugh...and then a deer in headlights look.

I don't know why I'd want to go through that again.
Divorce sucked so bad, I'm in no rush to repeat it.
Though, I guess I should be institutionalized, since I clearly may very well be out of my mind because (here go the stats) second-marriage-divorce-rates are double what first-marriage-divorce-rates are.

After the headlights drove past...I came to a conclusion:

I'm not thinking about divorce. I'm not thinking of my unhappy marriage.
I lived there for long enough, and I don't particularly like it there.
And, I'd actually like to think the second time around will be better, since I should've learned many lessons about marriage and myself. And since this time, I have realistic expectations.

We know that we aren't heading off to 'Happily Ever After'...because each of us already tried that , and ummm, yeah, it doesn't exactly exist (for those who didn't know).

This is where we think we are headed:

Sunday, October 16th, which is the next day that comes after the wedding day.
We are headed to the rest of our lives, which could very well be repetitive mirror images of today.
But we are headed to that happiness or misery, together.

I'm divorced....
So WHY get married?

Because I love him, and he drives me nutts (meaning crazy). He picks me up when I'm down, he adores me and is always there when I need him. I make him laugh, he makes me smile, and when I'm weak he is strong (and vice-versa). My children are very close to him; they love, trust, and respect him, and he is an amazing, positive, father-figure. We have lived together for two years, and if I might say so myself, we have some serious chemistry.

So, I ask, 'Why WOULDN'T  I get married'?

31 Days and counting;)

Truly,

Amber

$ For Your Rings

So what do you do with your rings after the divorce?

Most people don't end up keeping the rings. They either need the money or prefer not to keep the memory of the marriage around.

Most divorcee's try hocking their old engagement or wedding rings to pawn shops or they return to the jewelry store where it was purchased and see if they will buy it back. Many walk away with the rings still in hand because these places do not pay much.

Craigslist and Ebay are other options for selling them, but if you've never sold on Ebay it might be a little tedious to get an account set up, etc. and Craigslist (in my personal opinion) doesn't seem like the safest option.

I did a little research.

Here are some recommendations:

I've found that gold buyers seem to pay a pretty penny for jewelry, though they usually just want the gold (not all those extra stones), and besides auctioneers or private-sale, there is a website called I Do Now I Don't and it seems like a great option.

The site was started by a guy who had a broken engagment and couldn't get what he thought the engagment ring was worth when he tried to sell it.


Good luck.

Truly,

Amber

Divorce's from 9/11

What does divorce have to do with the events of September 11th?

Well, according to popular belief, it would be that married couples who were already miserable in their marriages, would suddenly realize that their time on Earth might be shorter than they thought, so without further delay, would file for divorce from their long-time spouse.

 OR

The traumatic event thrust couples into marriage because of the deep emotion and fear it stirred up, and they would all end up divorced in just a few short years.

While there may be some small truth to both of these, I looked them up, and most seemed to be urban legends, and without a significant amount of proof behind them.

There's a multitude of remembrance events going on in the U.S. because this year marks the tenth anniversary of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center. Overwhelmed by the amount of different ways/times that people are 'remembering', I've been wondering how I can raise more awareness about the victims with my blogs.

Rather then telling my story of where I was, what I was thinking, etc., (because that seems to be much of what people are talking about), instad I'd like to dedicate each of my blogs today to honoring those people directly affected by the tragedy.

It was extremely difficult to find 'divorce and terror attacks' in the same sentence, but eventually, I came across this story of not one, not two, but several New York Firefighters who decided to leave their wives (and families) to marry the widowed women of their fellow fallen firefighters.

Sound bizarre?

I thought so too.

What a shock. Your husband goes out to work and fights fires in the largest terror attack on the U.S. and  he survives, while many others perish...you feel lucky and relieved.

But soon after the event, you become a widow anyhow...and not because he died, but because he divorced you for his deceased partner's widow.

It just seems unthinkable.

But apparently it's not so uncommon. Some consider it acts of pity, some claim it was greed (some widows gained large sums of money as a result of their husbands' deaths), some say it was a result of the living firefighters feeling guilty for surviving and so they felt responsible for the families left behind by their deceased parnter...and one white-page study says that the new love relationship was possibly confused for a real love relationship, because of the time and emotions involved while consoling one another.

It's impossible to imagine how deep the WTC Terror Attack actually cuts...and how wide spread it is...

In remembrance of September 11th's victims, please visit these sites which benefit, educate and support not only the families of the tragedy, but provide hope and a positive future for our nation.

May we someday have Peace.

Thank you.

F.Y.I.: Fun Friday will be replaced...

This week Fun Friday will be replaced by a 9/11 tribute.

I have always said we need to have a sense of humor about things in life, and I still believe that.

Though there is not, and never will be, anything funny about the events that happened on September 11, 2001.

Please join me tomorrow when I dedicate all three of my blogs to the victims, and the public awareness, of the 9/11/01 World Trade Center Attacks.

Thank you.

NOTE: Tomorrow's posts will NOT be identical.

Forgiveness Over Anger

 (Remember, the longer we stay mad at someone else, the longer we rob ourselves of our own happiness.)

The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.~Marianne Williamson 

How to Tell Which Debt Consolidation Companies Are For Real

In the divorce process with my 'X', I tried to be a nice person.

I had divorced him and yes, and I felt bad; I wanted him to give him an easy new-start.

Since I knew that I had the children I would most likely be the one to take over the house, while he would need to secure a new home...

And so I did a really nice thing....


I paid off his debt for him.

His truck, his credit cards and any loans we had in our names jointly, I decided to roll into my mortgage. (Just between you and me, there is such thing as being too nice.)

Anyhow, the only debt he had left with his name on it was his newly-highly-priced-motorcycle (a post-separation-mid-life-crisis-purchase) and our home (which later I would fix when I bought him out of his share).

But sadly, he didn't use this kind gesture wisely.

I watched as he maxed out, and racked up, all of his means of credit before we'd even hit the three month mark of going our separate ways.

Since he needed to live and that was becoming very difficult with his newly acquired bills... he decided to seek debt counseling.

A good idea, I thought.

Until, later in the year when he confided that he'd been paying a debt consolidation company for months, while unbeknownst to him, they had not been paying down his debt as they'd sold him. (No, that's not a type-o-.. He was not 'told' they'd pay his debt off- he was 'sold' they would.)

Many times during a divorce, or a major separation, we get into financial situations that seem impossible to get out of. At which time, we have several choices.

Flee the country to avoid paying, go bankrupt to avoid a horrible quality of living because of how high our monthly debt is (think empty refrigerator and no life outside of your living room walls) or do as some folks do: seek debt counseling.

Some companies will legitimately take all of your debt and combined it, while making payment arrangements with each of your creditors.

But...some companies rip you off.

That's right, they take your money and run. The run to the next person, who is just as desperate to save themselves from financial ruin as you are.

What a nightmare.

These companies prey upon people who think they have no other options. They take an already frazzled and broke individual (which is usually the person like you or me...newly-divorced-and-much-in-debt, looking for a fresh start and a little sleep at night). These companies promise relief.

Though they scam you instead.

Some victims walk away after forking over about three thousand dollars in a few short months, just to find out in the end, that no one was paying their bills for them. Ever.

How can you avoid this mess?

• Be aware and be smart. 
• If you don't understand something, ask questions. 
• If you don't get straight answers, there is a reason why (Walk away and find someone else.)
• If it sounds too good to be true, IT IS! 
• Check out the business online (Google their name with the word 'scam', you'll be shocked what you find.)
• Check with the BBB (The Better Business Bureau) for pending lawsuits or claims open against them)
• Don't be embarrassed to ask friends, family or a trusted co-worker for referrals. 
• Ask your attorney for recommendations.
• Don't trust someone just because you are in a bind (a day of research is better than being taken for a ride)

Don't be fooled into thinking that someone has the answers to all of your financial problems (it's not that easy). Your money is hard earned. Your credit is worth rebuilding and you deserve a fair shot at having a second chance.

After a divorce, you don't need any more stress-so slow down and do your research.

In the meantime:

Visit this site to learn about how to get help with your debt.

Visit this Debt Consolidation forum for answers to common questions. 

Truly,

Amber

Thoughts Froom Woody

Not all marriages work out, but sometimes we just have to try to look on the bright side...

'My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.'~Woody Allen