A Must See Video if You Want to Move On After Divorce

There are so many messages within this video. 

One of my favorites is at the very end:

"Leave the past behind and embrace the present"

Should Divorce Change the Way You Parent?

I never really liked the assumptions that I used to get in the beginning of my divorce. I especially disliked the comments I received, and sometimes still do:

"Well, I know you can understand, because you're divorced, and obviously as a single mom, you parent your children differently now." (People were referring to spoiling my children after divorce.)

After hearing that a few times, without much reply (because I was busy denying it), I actually had to wonder: "Do I really parent my kids differently after their dad and I separated? Do I spoil them?"

I've always been an involved, loving, compassionate, firm, no-nonsense, communicative mother.

 ~That's who I was before the divorce, and I'd like to think that's how I am now.

"I parent the same"...I still want what's best for them, I still explain to them the facts of life, the troubles ahead and the importance of decisions. I still spend quality time with them, laugh, play and bake chocolate chip cookies. So what gives!?

I guide and love them the same, as if I were still married to their dad.....

The logistics have changed, that's all.

Except, after I thought about it more, I had to admit, I might parent a little differently since the split almost seven years ago....

I MIGHT avoid sugar coating things even more now...

I MIGHT reveal more of myself than I did before...

And, I MIGHT take their errors to a whole new level of importance...

Because, I feel I need to drive home the fact that some mistakes are bigger than others...but all in all, I'm still me....AND, I still DON'T let them get away with murder, have everything they want or treat me with disrepect.

Do not feel shame or remorse because of your divorce, and never feel that you need to 'make it up to them'.  Kids can become dependent on that and feed off of it; using it to their advantage. Children are resilient, and with enough love and faith in their lives, they will be okay. You need, now, more than ever, to keep things on an even keel and assure them that you are still you, and they are still them. 

Use Divorce as a great time to get real with your kids. When parent's are not perfect, it create's an opportunity to explain how and why you messed up, what you learned and what you might have done differently. If you do this, there's a good chance you can help them break the cycle.

Tips on How to Parent Your Child After Divorce:

A simple site, but 'E-How.com' states this important rule in their #1 spot.

Do not feel guilty.

Continue being yourself as a single parent.

A Mother's Letter to her 'X's Second Wife...

Wow.

I am speechless...(that doesn't happen very often).

In doing some weekend reading on divorce, 

I revisited a site I feel covers important topics.

This letter absolutely left me speechless...

It says it precisely...
I had absolutely nothing to add...

Except:

~Signed,
That Woman

What it Takes to Be Friends with Your 'X'

Here's how celebrities do it.

Not all divorcee's need to be friends.

If they already split the stuff, paid the bills and divided up the pets, they can essentially just move on, and possibly never speak to one another again.

For divorced parents, it is not that simple.

My parents were never friends....though I wish they had been.

The divorce itself was already stressful enough, drop-off's were even worse, and I hated it.

My current husband was very lucky, his father and mother were very mature. They were kind to one another and put themselves, and their troubles, aside for the children.

That's how it should be done. 
No one's better, no one's the winner or loser;
just two parents loving their children.

If parents can think and act this way, kids get the best of both parents and they feel they can talk to, and trust both of them, and won't fear getting caught in the middle.

In Successful Co-Parenting parents must remember, it's about communication, flexibility, cooperation and love....

It is the children's best interest which should always be at the forefront of the matter, moment and mood....hence why the court papers state this.

Let's not forget:

It took two to fall in love,

It took two to get married,

It took two to create the child.

It took two to reduce the marriage,

It took two to divorce,

And, it will take two to be friends....
and work together for the betterment of the child.

Ways to help divorced parents work together:

Make a Co-Parenting Resolution

10 Steps to Co-Parenting

Keep these tips in mind

~

If your 'X' is uncooperative, manipulative, 

unfair, unwilling to work together, unable to communicate,

or is unkind, you can only assume that they have not yet reached that point of peace with the divorce as you have. 

You will not be able to be friends with this person until they mature, forgive and find peace. And it's possible that it may never happen.

But, you can take these steps for your children's peace and well-being:

Working with the uncooperative 'X'

Take a deep breath and read this advice

Or maybe you need to seek some advice from the experienced:

Resource for reading:

 Co-Parenting with a Jerk

How do you successfully Co-Parent?

My Anniversary

Last year, when I started Divorce Dazed, it was the last of the babies born to my collection of blogs, and as it reaches it's first anniversary, I'm evaluating it, and its content, just as I've done with the others.

Some have asked me why I glorify divorce, others wonder why I want to stay stuck in the past by continuing to write about my divorce....and...why I wouldn't just want to get on with my life?

Well, first let me start by saying that if you've ever been divorced with children, you'd know that there is no easy way of 'forgetting my divorce' and 'getting on with life'. It will always be a part of my life for as long as I am alive. But, with that being said, it's been six years since the ink dried on my decree (seven if you count the separation and legal procedures) and I have to say that I think I've pretty much moved on. I've grown a lot since then. I don't blame anyone for my marriage ending, I like and accept who I am, I am independent, decided to relocate 600 miles away from my home state to begin my life over, and have continued to raise my children well. They are happy and healthy and our home life is very stable and loving. Recently, I even got re-married, (not that re-marrying indicates healing, because it doesn't: read more), but I think it's safe to say: I'm over it.

Secondly, anyone who reads my DD Disclaimer knows that my mission never is to encourage those in 'difficult' marriages to separate. Divorce is a personal choice, and unless it's absolutely necessary, you should stay married to your spouse, stick it out, and seek help.

Unfortunately, though, in some cases even after working to repair the marriage, it's still necessary for divorce. Divorce is not inevitable, but it does happen, and will continue to as long as it is a legal right. (I give it about fifteen to twenty more years before it's at risk of being challenged.)

When I got married to my first husband seventeen years ago, I never imagined that my fairytale wedding and marriage would end in divorce. Though, sadly it did.

I began Divorced Dazed, because I was painfully aware that there's not much out there for divorce support other than lot's of p-o'd people  cussing about their  'X's, and too many websites offering nasty legal advice.

If you follow my blog, you know I'm not dwelling, complaining or staying stuck in the past...I write to help put things into perspective for those encountering their divorce 'daze'.

I thought ten years of being married was a feat. I was proud of that, and I hated to give it up by divorcing my husband, but it was clear, that after that many years together, the depth of our relationship was just not there like it should be. I'm afraid it never was, because now with my current husband I have what I thought marriage should have been like all along, and in a short amount of time.

Like comparing the quality of my first ten years of marriage with my 'X', to my short second marriage; quantity did not mean quality.

That goes for this blog as well.

As ten years of marriage does not equal a healthy relationship, three blog posts a week does not mean great information. I've decided to better service Divorce Dazed readers decreasing the quantity of weekly posts from three, to one. Monday's posts will now have deeper topics, more guidance, and exercises, to help you with your life transition. With this change, I hope it leaves readers feeling more empowered with motivation and inspiration than ever before, and just like divorce: It's not the end, it's just a new beginning.

Thank you for supporting Divorce Dazed and I hope you will evolve with me.

Feel free to share your thoughts and suggest topics which are important to you.

See you next Monday!