Got Burned?

Ever get burned?

I suppose that we all may have at one point or another.

This Memorial Day weekend I got burned. 

It wasn’t my first and by the looks of things it probably will not be my last.

I will say this, I was more cautious than I have been in the past.

I had an umbrella and I reapplied sunscreen often.

But…I still got burnt.

Getting burned from the sun is somewhat similar to being burnt in a relationship.

Like when your ‘X’ did a number on you and you felt downright scorched (to say the very least).

Now, you have vowed to never speak the opposite sex again.

You have taken an oath that you will never date again, and for as long as you live, you will never, ever, EVER, under any circumstance, marry again!

Maybe you haven’t gone to that extreme but you do hold a grudge against the opposite sex because of the ill will that your ‘X’ caused you.

Okay, I understand your motives, but let me tell you this is not exactly realistic.

You have merit to a certain degree I'd be willing to bet...and I completely agree that you should

certainly steer clear of dating for a while, don’t rush into anything, and definitely approach any new relationships slow and cautiously.

But getting burned can make us bitter, and that is what most divorcee’s walk around like.

Think about this for a minute.

Is it realistic for me to imagine never going out into the sun again?

And on the same token, is it logical to think that I will get burn every time that I am exposed to the sun?

No and no.

Can the sun damage me?

Yes…If I let it.

After a divorce, similar to the time period after a sunburn, when there is healing to be done, there are things to consider before jumping back in: 

1.  What went wrong? 
2. What do I need to do better next time?
3. What common sense logic or rules did I forget (or ignore)?
4. What can I do to prevent myself from getting burned next time?

4.    

Staying out of the sun isn’t realistic, and it’s probably fair to say, that staying away from another relationship for the rest of your life might very well be impossible. 

Healing and learning from our pain can be the key.

Most people treat their divorcees with resentment, anger and blame which goes causes them to treat their ‘X’ badly; rather than treating the burn, they treat the 'X'.

I believe that this is the wrong thinking.

Most people, including me, treat their sunburn with something like lotion, burn cream or maybe some aloe. 

We treat the sunburn, not the sun.

The sun is not to blame. We have control over where we were and how much we prepared to be there.

For me, I know that the next time I go into the sun I will remember the sting and I will wait a while before I go back out there since the burn doesn’t go away right away. This can help me to be more prepared; wiser next time...and heal before I do it again.

So, if you are the one who got burned, don’t take it out on your ‘X’ or the sun. And don't think that the only way to get over it is to never go in the sun again.

It won’t solve anything and it certainly will not better prepare you for the next time…because believe me, there will be a next time.

Just rethink the list of 1-4, then be careful and enjoy.

Truly,

Amber

Divorce 101

Divorce is an opportunity to learn; to gain knowledge about ourselves, our strengths and our weaknesses.

It’s a chance for us to understand why we do the things we do and how it affects us.

Looking back at a marriage and divorce- they aren’t ever years just wasted in our lives, nor are they just documents filed in court.

They're actually years of choices, behaviors and habits, that if looked at carefully, can lead us to a deeper understanding of ourselves as well as help us have a better future.

But…. if we choose to blame outside circumstances (or people, i.e.; the ‘X’) and remain in denial of having any part in our situation, we will surely miss the point of what we are supposed to learn.

Take some time to  look back and think about what led you here, even before your marriage...

This is Divorce 101. 

I recommend taking it, if you haven't already.

'All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes.'- Winston Churchill 

Truly,

Amber

What Love Does To A Man

...As well as heartbreak....

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1VydWS/www.owned.lv/15437/Girls/

It's Fun Friday...

Have a laugh and enjoy your weekend.

Truly,

Amber

What does divorce say about you?

It depends on who you ask.

To a married couple who is in their 50^th year of marriage, you might be a failure; a quitter.

To an unhappily married couple you may be viewed as brave and courageous.

To happily married couples you might be considered incapable of having a fulfilling successful relationship.

To people who aren’t married, and cannot understand the concept of a miserable marriage or marriage itself, they may think you are imperfect…(aren’t we all?).

Well who cares what they think.

And if someone is ignorant enough to judge you,  than they aren’t really a friend and cannot possibly care about you as they think they do.

Because unless you go through a divorce, there’s no way you can criticize.

If you are divorced or going through one, be strong against people's judgments about you and your divorce.

Understand that there are other avenues in your life that you were meant to travel.

Your divorce means that there are doors still waiting to be opened and more mountains still to climb.

It means these people don’t know enough about you and you already know a ton more about yourself after being on this journey.

Want to know what I really think?

Divorce says nothing about you…it’s just something you went through. 

Just like other’s go through bumps in life, this a bump in yours...

A hiccup, if you will…

And we all have them.

Stay strong and carry on.

 'We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.' - Paulo Coelho

Truly,

Amber

Rain or Shine Reading

Navigating life during (or after) a divorce can seem like a never-ending process with new corners and turns every day. Reading is a great way to handle these changes and challenges, as well as to just educate yourself.



And it just so happens that...
 On sunny spring days it's a great time to grab a book and head outside.

Check these out:

Chicken-Soup-for-the-Soul

http://ebookstore.sony.com/ebook/jack-canfield/chicken-soup-for-the-soul-divorce-and-recovery/_/R-400000000000000353796

My Ex is a Jerk (Funny title but real interesting advice, and per an Amazon review: some ladies 'X' is still alive because of this book..)

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0312141130/ref=rdr_ext_sb_ti_sims_1#reader_0312141130

BUT, on those unseasonably rainy days (or weekends), take to the internet and check out these links:

Pre-divorced with anticipated finance issues ahead? (not many divorces end without harmed credit)


http://www.divorcecentral.com/states/news/

For Parents:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/richard-warshak/why-kids-shouldnt-visit-p_b_857442.html#s277707&title=Be_Sensitive_to

http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Poison-New-Updated-Bad-mouthing/dp/0061863262%3FSubscriptionId%3D0JJEH4PKQM4ZHS8QY102%26tag%3Dthehuffingtop-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D0061863262

And for those of you who can't seem to get enough of Maria and Arnold:.

(Topic of older couples divorcing)...

http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity/divorce-between-maria-shriver-and-arnold-schwarzenegger-could-be-costliest-divorce/story-e6frfmqi-1226060973126
Maria and Arnold's long road ahead has just begun:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/dailybeast/20110516/ts_dailybeast/14124_arnoldschwarzeneggermariashriversplitshowsolderpeoplesreturntoadolescence_1

 

Don't forget to check out my Books and Links tab on the home page of Divorce Dazed.

Truly,

Amber

Celebrate!!!!

Now granted Divorce really isn't such a funny topic and I don't think it should truly be a celebratory thing, though under some circumstances when the spouse has gotta go, he/she's gotta go....

And it's Fun Friday....So, let's lighten the mood, shall we?

Most everyone likes to celebrate special moments with cakes.

We celebrate Birthdays, Anniversaries, and yes, Weddings...all with cakes....

Well it seems even some Divorcee's celebrate their divorces with a cake.

Here are a couple that I found online.

I highly reccomend going online and look up 'Divorce Cakes' for a laugh..and see for yourself how creative people get with their new found reason to celebrate. (Some people take it a little over the top, but I guess those are the ones with the messy divorces.)

Here's my favorite...

Reminds me of  'Life Goes On'.

 Here's the link to the lady that makes this one and many normal cakes.

http://maritascakes.com/gallery_specialty.html

..Come on Guys, I'm a woman, so of course I'm picking a She dumps Him cake as my fav, but actually, look down... there's one for you...

He dumps Her...

And no, I did not celebrate my divorce with a cake.

I celebrated it with something else.
Something that would last longer-

A picture of my new life the weekend after my divorce

Truly,

Amber

Why Do People Divorce?

Here is what I read on MSNBC after the first announcement of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver's initial separation:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43010551/ns/business-careers/

I bet today there are a whole slew of other 'Reasons for Divorce' articles that would most likely include ‘getting someone pregnant other than your wife’.

When I read Maria’s book over ten years ago, (‘Ten Things I Wish I’d Known-Before I Went Out into the Real World) I wondered if their marriage would last.

I wondered because she mentioned hat she told Arnold she didn’t want to follow her husband into a life of politics. She had followed her father when he did it and she was not going to do it again. And there she was, standing beside Arnold while he was sworn in as governor, and dropping her career to do it. 

I saw the signs, she was giving up who she was for her husband. 

A sacrifice too severe will inevitably lead her away from herself, then each they will grow away from each other and closer towards divorce.

Celebrities divorce all the time, and sometimes not even 72 hours after marrying, as in the case of Britney Spears.

But so do regular Jill's and Joe's. Divorce happens to couples who are young, old, black, white, religious or not; rich or poor, career oriented or unemployed.

Marital problems are not prejudice.

So, what gives? Why do we end up divorced?

In my opinion, I think that each couple who is divorced will be the only one's with the answer to that.

 (In the case of Arnold and Maria- I guess we can fairly say that most of us kind-of-know why this marriage is over, but do we have any idea what actually started it all? You know what I mean; that downward spiral?)

Some time ago I really believed that getting married was the culprit.

Marry the wrong person, marry for the wrong reasons and wind up divorced. 

It's a no-brainer.

But lately, when I look around at couples who’ve been together, through everything, it seems…

I have to wonder if it’s the fact that there are so many opportunities for people to make mistakes, change who they are or keep secrets from their spouses. Maybe not even be up front about who they are to begin with.

I also used have the idea that it was only the couples that married too young who were the ones waking up ten years later to find that they were two completely different people than they were when they got married.

It’s clearly not just that...

So this raises more questions...

Are these folks changing as individuals and not together? Are they changing themselves-and because of that growth, it causes their preferences in a mate to change? And if so, how is that prevented?

I don’t know, I am not a marriage counselor. I don’t have ESP and I am not God.

And speaking of God....is it Him? 

Might there be a possibility that there is not enough of Him in marriages? And I don’t mean the part where you think God wouldn’t want you to divorce- so you ‘stick with it’- but the part where God plays a very important role from the beginning- in the ways that you treat each other?

Whatever it is, I think we can all see that it happens to the best of people and the worst of people, the rich the poor, the celebrity or not, the educated or not...

And I think the bottom line is: no one can control someone else. 

And a lifetime is a very long time to be in 'Holy Matrimony'.

People are going to make mistakes, break hearts, screw up finances, lose jobs and say things they don’t mean.

So then what?

Some will stay together and some will divorce.

But why?

A question I am not sure that I will ever be able to answer, since each marriage, like each divorce is different and very, very private.

No matter how public it may seem.

Truly,

Amber