Poster Child for Divorce

 A story for you:

The week my divorce was final...Which was a year to the day I made the 'D'ecision.

'One summer day a stay-at-home-mom of three (all under the age of eight), and who home schooled her two oldest, decided to divorce her husband. They had a newly built home, no money in the bank and debt up to their eyeballs. She had a hefty car payment, employment skills which hadn't been updated in years because she'd been nursing pregnancies and raising little ones, while working from home. With no family to speak of locally who could help her, it appeared from the outside (and from her then-husband's point of view), that she didn't have a leg to stand on, a pot to @#%& in, or a place to go.'

'It's true, she didn't. But she still asked for a divorce.....'

That's the beginning of my divorce story.

I'd like to say I knew what I was doing back then...but I didn't. Even today, I have to really think hard to remember the initial leap and what I was expecting to happen. After a few minutes, I do find it... the reason I called it quits, and what my expectations were.

The Reason: Desperate for self-preservation and to escape the emotional abuse and camouflaged control.

My Expectations: Freedom, good health, independence and happiness.

I didn't have enough sense to think about what was next...I just did what I had to do...

It amazed me...with the amount of mental, physical and financial hell it cost me, I still seemed to somehow become the poster child for divorce amongst people I knew.

I never understood that.

They would say it was because I was brave enough to do it, and that I seemed okay after all of it.

I wasn't comfortable with the admiration...I hadn't felt brave. And actually, I felt rather stupid.

It probably wasn't the wisest idea; going into a divorce without a plan, because some days all I could do was cry, some days I just prayed. Sometimes I cursed, sometimes I messed up, and many days I thought about giving up. But I kept on pushing forward....and finally somehow made some headway in rebuilding myself and my life.

In my eyes, divorcing my husband had absolute nothing to do with courage. It had everything to do with survival.

'Okay, yes, I'm divorced and now I'm happy'. And 'Yes, it worked out for me in the end' .' 'But, no, I didn't want to have to take that step and it was painful as hell... and you shouldn't have to go through it either...if you can help it.'

When people come to me about being miserable in their own marriages I try to guide them back in the other direction. They don't always listen to me, and I guess sometimes they shouldn't...

So, now when someone asks, 'Should I get a divorce?',  My new advice to them is this:
You'll know when it's over. Just like I did. And like me, you probably won't have any idea what to do, but you will 'just do it'. You'll think about it, you'll try your hardest to talk yourself out of it, you will do what's right and try to make things work and when nothing works and you are exhausted and still miserable...(which is what happened to me after ten years of marriage), one day you will say...'that's it...we are getting divorced' and nothing will change your mind.

I know that just like when you will know somethings right, you will also know when it's not.

If this happens to you, it's okay, I'm here, and I understand. I will help guide you..(hence why I blog Divorce Dazed.

But, before then, seek everything in your power to preserve what is left in your marriage...

You don't want to live with regret.

You may not have time to plan. You may not have the sense to organize or strategize...I didn't...

Looking back, it does seem kind of crazy, and so yes, I recommend having a plan...it could make things much easier...

I suppose I it turned out alright, I certainly do not regret it, and since then I've actually decided to get re-married....

Which is now making me the poster child for 'Hope'.....

I guess that's a good thing....