Huffinton Post Delivers Divorce

I have a Twitter account.

I follow various motivational people, sports blogs and news blogs.

One Tweeter I follow is The Huffington Post.

I like that they give me up-to-date world news that I'm interested in and update frequently.

I've noticed over the past several months that they have created a few spin-off accounts on Twitter.

Diversifying is smart.

One of them seems to be entertainment, one is your common news, one is urgent news, and one seems to be a crazy-unbelievable-risque-based or comedy style one (I haven't really visited this one much to tell you the truth).

Their newest is: Huffington Post Divorce

The Huffington Post Divorce section of the Huffington Post online paper, it seems, has been published for a while, though I feel that it's just now made it to Twitter. (Could be me?)

 It's about time divorce is being acknowledged as a part of many people's lives. We might just be getting rid of the stigmas and dirty looks...

What a lot of people don't realize as they are glaring in the direction of a divorcee...is that like a flat tire...it may not happen to everyone...and you figure if you have new tires and rotate them regularly...you'll never be caught on the side of the highway in the rain...

As well as you could be very educated, wealthy, and prepare yourself and your relationship with your spouse so solidly, that you think it could never happen...but odds are, if you're unlucky enough, someday it may just happen to you, regardless of what you do.

Hopefully it does not...I don't wish divorce on my worst enemy...

But maybe, someday, it will be more accepted than it has been...

Seems it's headed that way.

Check out Huffington Post-Divorce

Truly,

Amber
(If you are interested in following me on Twitter I am @Ambinspiration)

Where Are My Friends After Divorce?

After a married couple becomes divorced they tend to start feeling different than their married friends.

The still-married friends tend to pull away, while the divorced ones themselves begin gravitating towards other divorcees, hoping to be understood and accepted.

It's sad, but this is when you find out who your true friends are.

Unfortunately, many divorcees feel like the black sheep because, although 50 % of married couples are divorced, they still somehow feel different because they're divorced.

 Call it stigma, low-self-esteem, or trying to find their new place in society...

A divorcee will always see another divorcee as 'one of them' and as someone who's 'experiencing the same turmoil, struggles and emotion's'. They automatically feel normal, accepted, and 'okay to be divorced'.

There's nothing wrong with finding people to relate to, that is important during divorce, but there are lots of divorcees who just want to complain, share war stories and down their 'X'.

Boring.

Not to mention unproductive and unhealthy.

If you are divorced, and find the need to 'relate' to other divorcees, remember to stay positive and find things to talk about that are condusive to healing...rather than rehashing-which can cause more pain and anxiety.

If you are married, do your best to stay close to your divorced friends, they need support.

Don't alienate them  because they are no longer married.

If you are a genuine friend, than it shouldn't matter that they're not married anymore...
And I would hope that it was not the only reason you were friends to begin with.
Don't worry, divorce isn't contagious...at least not the last time I checked.

For the divorcee who feels alone, you are not. You just made room for better friends.

And if you are lucky enough that your married friends are sticking with you, remember to keep a cap on some of the emotional turmoil and try not to allow the irritations from your 'X' bubble over in daily conversations.

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.- Elizabeth Foley

Truly,

Amber

Happily Divorced

On Divorce Dazed I often highlight topics regarding the recovery process of divorce and the rough roads we must travel.
Though, on Friday's, I like to take a break from that serious stuff, and have a little fun.

This leads me to today's thoughts.....

Not everyone is devastated at the thought of getting divorced.

Some are happy....
Elated even!

Though it is not always an overnight realization. I still imagine there are plenty of husbands and wives eager to be free of their spouses. Released from stress, the fighting and tug-of-wars.

After my divorce was finalized I was thrilled!

I'd finally rid myself of someone who shared absolutely none of the same values as me, I was rid of his strong, and occasionally overbearing personality. I was looking forward to gaining my own voice again and being myself.

Many long, turbulent years can add up to a  mega amount of stress and unhappiness .

But divorce can add relief.

Here is how I showed my satisfaction at going solo...

I bought a T-Shirt (I actually bought 2).

T-Shirt #1 said 'Barbie Loves Dumped Ken'.)

I left my 'X' in 2005, and finalized it a year later in 2006 (and not for a surfer-dude like they said Barbie did-I did it for me and the well-being of my families future).

The T-Shirt was fitting because nobody in our circle knew that we had problems, so much that they all fell off their chair when I told them we were divorcing. They'd considered us the cutest couple, making everyone sick while always saying 'I love you' on the phone, and in public, always with a fashionable kiss. We'd also made great partners parenting our children in public as well...Never (or extremely rarely) would argue in front of anyone.

Out of our 10 year marriage we had but only 2 or 3 major arguments in front of friends/relatives. Though behind the scenes it was different.

If you are happy about your divorce, don't worry what other people think or say, go grab a T-Shirt and tell the world!

T-Shirt #2

More Divorce T-Shirts and Divorce Themed Stuff and Where to buy them...

Truly,

Amber

Will My Kids Be A Statistic?

I remember six years ago when I was going through my divorce.

At one point my 'X' threw it in my face that since we were divorcing, so would all three of our children.

First off, they'd have to get married to do that...How did he know what each of them would decide?

Second, I not only took offense, but flat out denied that that would happen to them.

I am not a psychic. 

I cannot see the future. 

But I truly believe that my children have a better chance at marriage than us…

Because of the fact that their mother and father are divorced.

I know the statistics, and it's true my parents are divorced…and now I am divorced.

So you could look at me and assume that it will indeed carry down to my children's marriages.

Though I will argue that fact because

• My parents never told me why they divorced. 
• They never told me that they started out badly to begin with. 
• They never shared with me what they did wrong once married. 
• My father got re-married and proceeded to repeat the process above.
• My mother was not involved in my upbringing after the divorce.

So...now a little on me and my divorce:

• At each step in the process of divorce I have explained to my children (age appropriately) what is happening.
• I've explained what went wrong (that I am aware of) and what I would do right next time...additionally I teach them things about themselves to help them know who they are and what they want. As well as teach them about healthy/non-healthy relationships.
• And it seems as if I am getting my chance to show them a better, more healthy relationship and therefore they will have a model and a whole new education (that I never had).
• Without education on what they did wrong, how would know what to do right?

It is what it is, but it doesn’t have to be for my kids.

Can I 100% guarantee that my kids will not divorce? No, because statistically speaking 50% of ALL marriages end in divorce and personally speaking I cannot predict what their future spouse will be like, do or what my grown children will do either...but I do believe, if handled correctly, divorce can be the a tool to teach children the best lessons in self-discovery, marriage and yes, divorce. 

Read more on Kids of Divorce

Truly,

Amber

A Fellow Divorcee Who Remarries is Still Divorced

In October of this year I will remarry.

Sometimes it’s uncomfortable to tell a fellow friend/divorcee you are getting remarried.

If they haven’t gotten married again they tend to look at you as if you have two heads and then follow it up by saying:
'OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH' (The Ohhh is usually paired with tones that go up and down from the O to the very last H'.

The other reaction I sometimes get is this:

Silence.

In the first situation, my guess (and this is strictly a guess) is that it's about the friend thinking you’re crazy and now they have nothing in common with you.

It’s almost as if they feel the need to hit the ‘unfriend button’ on Facebook; they are about to write you off of their 'cool friends list' because, as of this moment, they don’t know you anymore…you are getting 're-married' and will no longer be a divorcee.

Maybe they are against re-marriage and the bitterness is still oozing.

Or maybe, like in the second instance, I think (and again - just an assumption) they might be making comparisons between their divorce and yours and where they are in own their life compared to you. They are wondering why they are not getting remarried to someone they love.

More importantly they wonder why they are divorced in the first place, since that was not the original plan. (I know the feeling.)

I tend to feel a little guilty when someone responds to my news this way.

I purposely try not to bring it up or discuss it…I don’t want to hurt feelings…and I certainly don’t want them to be sad or not stay close to me because of it.

But I can’t blame them, I was there once too.

It took me six years of being divorced to know I was ready. I oozed bitterness and confusion, anger and sadness, just as much as the next divorce.

It took a lot of work to get rid of it all.

There isn’t a day that will go by in my life that I will not wish my first marriage worked out… and I can honestly say I know I am not the only one.

There are millions of confused divorcees that will never understand completely what went wrong…who did what…or why they ended up here. (A select few will admit to knowing before they walked down the aisle that it was all wrong. I was not one of them.)

Bottom line…

I will always be divorced.

Just because I am re-marrying does not mean my divorce will be erased. As other divorcees do, I will always carry certain scars. Though I feel grateful that with time the scars will fade.

Again, I’ve only shared assumptions and I know what they say about assuming...
 I took a shot in the dark.

In about three months I will be a Mrs again, but I will continue writing this divorce blog and I still plan on writing divorce-self-help-books, because my divorce changed me for the better.

And as long as I have a memory… I will know, and remember, I am divorced…

I can only hope it helps me in my re-marriage…

I feel like it already has.

I've only shared my assumptions here...I know what they say about those...
Enlighten me and share yours...

We are in this together.

Truly Your Fellow Divorcee…
Amber

Truly,
Amber

The 40 Year Old Version-a Humoir

Divorce isn't funny.

Actually, it's very painful....

But I love humor..I've always loved humor... and sometimes, if I don't let myself laugh- I will be sure to cry.

I find that humor helps lighten the mood in many situations and occassionally helps us forget, if not just for a fleeting moment, the major troubles and sadness in our lives.

Being divorced can suck.

Being divorced with children can suck more.

I might be a woman (i.e.; The 'X' 'Wife') and according to some, I probably ought to be against the 'Other Guys', but I'm not. 

They're dealing with this crap too and everyone deserves a moment of relief. 

It's not only Her fault...nor is it only His...

So, today I'm sharing something for the guys. (You ladies might find some laughs here too...and maybe a little insight too.)

Check out this book, The 40 Year-Old-Version  by Joel Schwartzberg...

Funny...but Real, even the title is hilarious!

Again, Divorce=not funny....

A Laugh=theraputic....

Truly,

Amber

They Can See Eye To Eye On One Thing...

'I don't understand you and you don't understand me...

What else do we have in common????'

- Ashleigh Brilliant

I saw this the other day and it was so simple, but so on point.

Isn't it true, that until an unhappy couple divorces, they cannot seem to agree on anything?

But once divorced they seem to 'understand' and 'accept' that they are different?
Weren't they always different though???

Hence the sayings:

'His yin to her yang'

'We compliment each other'

'Opposites attract'

and so on and and so on...

Isn't it sad that it takes a divorce for a couple to accept their differences?

Does that mean they cramped the others style while they were together?
Does it mean that they did not appreciate one another?

OR

Were their differences not the kinds that worked well together no matter what?

Under the circumstances, I guess we will never know.


But here's to them agreeing on something.

Truly,

Amber