Separation or Divorce?

I had someone ask me what I thought about separation opposed to straight-up divorce.

I had to think about it for a while.

I knew what my separation meant to me and why I’d done it.

I also knew that every couple’s separation reasons and results would be different…

But I Googled separation just to get some more insight into the actual meaning (and the justification of it).

I found these two definitions thanks to Divorceinfo.com & Wikipedia (respectively):

Trial Separation: The main advantage of a trial separation, of course, is that it's easily reversible. You can try it for a while, go through counseling, and then reconcile, or you can try it for a while and then proceed with divorce.

Legal Separation: A legal process by which a married couple may formalize a de facto separation while remaining legally married. A legal separation is granted in the form of a court order, which can be in the form of a legally binding consent decree. The most common reason for filing legal separation is to make interim financial arrangements, such as deciding who will pay bills, possess property, and whether alimony is appropriate, prior to a divorce. These financial arrangements are actually what the term "separate maintenance" refers to, and "separate maintenance" is not a synonym for "legal separation".

Then I’ve added my own:

Your own-way –reasons-and-rules-separation…and here is how mine worked:

In the spring of 2004 I asked for a separation. I asked my husband to leave the house for a few days.

My reasons at the time for him to leave temporarily were as follows:

  

1.   I needed him to think about the overall situation without being at home, near me and his family, so he could clearly see the magnitude of the problems we were still having. With him at home it was just business as usual.  
2.  I wanted him to wake up and realize where we were at in the marriage –rock bottom-(close to the end, or at a very least,  a detrimental place)
3.  I needed him away from me (I could not think or feel anything anymore-I felt sick and very closterphobic with him around) 
4.  I wanted to find out if I truly felt like a normal human being and a happy person when he was away (as I had every day after he left for work)

I was not trying to cushion the blow of asking for a divorce, like many assume is the motive.  (Heck, I did not want a divorce, I had been married to my husband for ten years; I loved him. We had three children under the age of 8, I was not working and we had a new home, car payments, etc. This would not be the most pleasant thing to go forward with.)

I thought that my separation was actually more for answer-seeking and reconciling purposes.

And my reasons were mostly positive. 

I’d prayed that my husband would wake up and get the picture.  I truly believed he would see that he was losing his wife and that his family was crumbling in front of his eyes and get up and do something about it.

I had imagined that a few days away would help him feel compassionate and maybe a little remorseful about things and would want to come back to work hard with me to repair the issues that broke our marriage down.

I’m sure that some couples might be able to separate amicably, stay this way for some time, then get back together….

But I don’t know any.

I do know that some couples separate knowing it’s the end. And separation it’s just an easy way to ease out of the marriage and into ‘the next phase’ of ending things.

I personally would not be able to handle that since I would never know whether I was coming or going…

And the main problem I see with a one-way-decided separation:  (where one partner asks another partner to leave) is that the one who is asked to leave cannot really be happy about it. 

They are the ones having to go away from the comfort of their own home and their family.

Bitterness is bound to follow. 

And now that I think about it, how was my husband supposed to feel warm and fuzzy about fixing things if he’d been ‘kicked out’? (Harshly put but probably true, I am putting the shoe on the other foot here, and doesn’t it make sense to?)

After my husband came home from staying at a nearby hotel for three or four days he was a ‘little’ better, but not much and things continued the way they always had in our marriage.

Maybe I just hadn’t yet admitted to myself that my marriage was already over, because as I recall when we saw each other during our separation, for the kids sake, and for Easter (which happened to be at the tail end of the separation), he complained about not being able to get a good cup of coffee and being too far from the car to start it up and let it run for a bit before work in the morning.

Clearly, in my situation my separation failed its basis; to assist in clarity and help to resolve issues...because three months later I asked for a divorce.

My bottom line on separation?

Separation is the opposite of reconciliation. 

If you both want to stay together, you should not get separated.

And if you feel that you have to ask your spouse or significant other to leave because you cannot live another second in their presence, and/or they are too thick headed, stubborn or cruel to work things out with you thus far…you might as well cut to the chase and ask for a Divorce.

It will save a whole lot of headaches, confusion and money. 

Because I've been divorced six years and my only regret is not divorcing him sooner.

If you have success stories on separation please share them, because I always love to hear happy endings and I’m sure others do too.

Truly,

Amber